Friday, December 28, 2018

"Be Authentic" is Bad Advice


I’m not sure when the word authentic became the ubiquitous adjective it is today. I somehow suspect Oprah had something to do with it. Nowadays, it’s almost impossible to read anything or listen to anyone speak about communication, leadership, presentation skills, interview skills, branding, or even relationships without the word authentic being spouted – repeatedly.

When social psychologist Amy Cuddy spoke about her new book Presence with author Susan Cain, they must have used the “a”-word a dozen times. Hearing the two of them use authentic with no clarification (though she does in her book) surprised me.

I’ve been feeling for some time that someone needs to start a conversation about the difference between being “your authentic self” and being “your effective self.” So here goes!

Let’s start with the Webster definition of authentic:
  1. worthy of acceptance or belief as conforming to or based on fact 
  2. conforming to an original so as to reproduce essential features
  3. made or done the same way as an original
  4. not false or imitation:  real, actual
  5. true to one's own personality, spirit, or character
Most people, when they use or hear the phrase “be your authentic self,” think of definition #5.
 
However, there's a tendency for people to take this too literally. Some people feel that it’s out of “character” for them to dress a certain way or wear their hair a certain way so they don’t. They can assert that it’s their “personality” to use a certain language or tone of voice, to not smile, to keep to themselves, or to push the envelope, regardless of whether it’s effective or not. This gives rise to thoughts and statements like – “I’m being authentic, it’s their problem if they don’t like it.”  But is it really their problem? When you don’t get the job you want, the promotion you may deserve, the work environment you cherish,  the client you need or the second date you crave, who suffers?
Let’s be honest, there are times when being yourself is not being your best.
The fact is, there are certain visual, vocal and verbal habits that are more positive, receptive, and engaging to the average human brain. To not recognize and take these norms into account is a gamble. Sometimes gamblers win but the odds are against them. 

Thought leaders, branding experts, coaches, and the like do a disservice when we tell people just be “authentic,” without explaining what we mean by authentic.

First of all, I think of the word genuine. It IS VERY important for people and brands to be genuine. But if we must use the word authentic, I believe the more accurate definition is definition # 2.

This definition of authentic can mean “reproducing the essential features” of the “original” YOU but turning those features into a You 2.0. This way you can still feel authentic AND be more effective.
I was an incredibly shy child.  Even after pushing through my shyness to be an actress and to teach communication skills like I do now, a huge part of my personality is to not speak up and to avoid the spotlight.  But as a business owner I had to eventually ask myself. “How’s that working for you?” It wasn’t. 

When you think of your authentic self, is it working for you? If not, identify the “essential features” that make up YOU, and highlight, polish, and reproduce those features. Then lose or mitigate any features that get in the way of your being effective to create You 2.0.  It doesn’t make you any less authentic. According to Webster’s definition #2, you are still conforming to the original.

An important caveat:  I was sharing my thoughts about this with a colleague. She told me she had a co-worker that she just couldn’t win over with her warm and friendly style which is very authentic to her. It’s important to realize that creating a You 2.0 doesn’t mean everybody will find your presentation or communication style effective. When you find people who don’t respond positively to You 2.0 you have two choices–accept that everyone is not going to like you OR if the relationship is an important one, learn the art of subtly adapting to match their style. Just like you wear different styles in different weather, you need slightly different styles with different people. But that’s a topic for another post. Stay tuned!

Please feel free to share your opinions; I know you have some. And if you want help on how to go from YOU to YOU 2.0, please contact me.

Wednesday, December 26, 2018

Do You Suffer from Imposter Syndrome? 4 Tips for Overcoming It.



Two years ago the phrase “Fake it til you make it” set something off in me. I heard the phrase many times and it always bugged me. All of a sudden I knew why. Who on earth wants to think of themselves as a fake? Who wants to do business with a fake? 

I immediately came up with a replacement expression: Own it While You Hone itThis phrase acknowledges that you have skill and talent, you just might not have stepped into it yet.

In "Your Brain and Business: The Neuroscience of Great Leaders(FT Press, 2011), Dr. Srinivasan Pillay talks about the Imposter Syndrome that happens to some (I suspect MOST) successful people.

Thursday, December 20, 2018

Reach Out and Touch!

In my training and coaching, I talk a lot about nonverbal communication: body language, gestures, facial expressions and vocal tone. However, there is one we tend to overlook—physical contact.

In a New York Times article by Benedict Carey, the author notes that researchers have discovered “momentary touches...—whether an exuberant high five, a warm hand on the shoulder, or a creepy touch to the arm— can communicate an even wider range of emotion than gestures or expressions, and sometimes do so more quickly and accurately than words.”

Interesting, huh? The fact is that 40% of the population is most comfortable using a kinesthetic learning channel; which means they communicate more effectively through touch as opposed to sight or sound. Touch, the article explains, is the first language we learn. No wonder it holds so much sway! Messages communicated through touch can immediately affect the way people think and act.
“Students who received a supportive touch on the back or arm from a teacher were nearly twice as likely to volunteer in class as those who did not. A sympathetic touch from a doctor leaves people with the impression that the visit lasted twice as long, compared with estimates from people who were untouched.”
The Definitive Book of Body Language also notes that just brushing someone’s hand can create rapport and increase positive feelings and a light tap on the elbow has been found to increase a person’s chances of getting what they want by 3 fold.

Of course, in the age of sexual harassment suits, no one’s suggesting you go around caressing and embracing everyone you meet or work with. However, think about adding a light tap on the elbow, a brush on the hand, or a light pat on the back to your communication. It can make a real difference in the way people perceive you, relate to you, and respond to your requests.




Monday, December 17, 2018

Sharing Your Story - 3 Women who Embraced Their Albatross & How You Can Too

by Robyn Hatcher


As a member of New York Women in Communications (NYWICI), an organization of professional women in media and communications, I’ve attended events with incredible speakers who demonstrate the power of sharing your story.

One event was with Madonna Badger, founder and chief Creative Officer at Badger & Winters, an advertising, branding, and design agency.

Madonna began her presentation by asking for her slides to be turned off. Before she began her formal presentation, she shared how she’d been struggling emotionally with the recent death of her ex-husband. She also shared her life-altering experience of losing her parents and three daughters in a fire from which she was able to escape. You could have heard a pin drop. 

Thursday, December 13, 2018

Assume and Doom! - 2 Ways Assumptions Doom your Communication.


You've heard the saying “When you assume it makes an “a**” out of “u” and ’me’." I wouldn’t quite put it like that, but I WILL tell you that when it comes to communication, whether for job interviews, elevator pitches, or presentations, many of us assume our listeners know way more than they actually do. 

In this day and age, we’ve become so afraid of giving TMI (too much information) that we often end up leaving out important details. Assumptions that get in the way of communication come in two forms: Emotional Assumptions and Logical Assumptions. Don’t let them doom your next communication.


Logical Assumption: Your listener understands what you do just because you tell them your job title:
I can’t tell you how many times working with clients on job interviews or presentations, a person will give a job title or brief description and then assume that the listener will know everything they need to know. Most of us are so intimate with the minutia that goes into what it is that we do that we make the assumption that everyone else is equally familiar with it and therefore omit important details that can help your listener truly understand what it is you do.

Some of you may be thinking, “But surely for a job interview or a presentation for my peers, the listener should have some knowledge of what I do. Why would I have to go into detail?" The operative word here is “some knowledge." Yes, people may know in theory what a title like: Financial Consultant, Marketing Director or Human Resource Manager means, BUT that doesn’t guarantee that they understand what it is that you actually do. The danger with giving too few details is that it forces your listener to dig into their memory and pull up their own assumptions. Some of those assumptions might be positive, some may be neutral, and some may be a turn off. If the last financial consultant they met helped them amass a fortune, terrific. But what if the financial consultant that comes to mind is the one that ruined their grandmother’s estate?

Emotional Assumption: You know how your listener or audience feels about a topic.
Many times in preparing for a presentation, my clients will say things like,”I know you all want” “You must be tired of…” Whenever I hear those kinds of statements a little caution light goes on and I encourage a different word choice. Why? Because most people hate being pigeon holed or having their thoughts and emotions lumped together with the thoughts and emotions of a larger group. It may be important to bring up negative assumptions that an audience may have about your topic, (it’s called getting the elephant out of the room), but it’s equally important not to categorically assume what people are thinking or feeling. Feel it out by using modal auxiliaries, (might, could, may, etc.); they’re not called “polite” forms of speech for nothing.


Download a FREE chapter of my book Standing Ovation Presentations for tips on how you can better craft your message.

Monday, December 10, 2018

Think Before You Act BUT Interrogate Your Thoughts





.3 Seconds. That’s the time it takes between having a thought and acting it.

To an Olympic athlete, .3 seconds can be the difference between a gold medal or none. To an ordinary human being, .3 seconds can be the difference between thinking a stupid thought and being fired.

What can you do in those .3 seconds? Ask yourself...why you are having that thought? What emotion are you feeling? Threatened, weak, alienated, angry? Do you want the person in front of you to respect you more, like you more, or just plain go away? Is this thought or idea that you are about to act on or speak really even your thought or is it an old societal or cultural belief that you’ve adopted?

Just asking yourself one of those questions could save you from doing or saying something you’ll regret. And if you’ve asked the right question, you may discover another way to deal with your fear or need for respect.

Olympic athletes train constantly to erase the .3 seconds that separates them from competitors or even their own record. Shouldn’t we train as diligently to make good use of the .3 seconds that separates us from doing or saying something that could potentially ruin our lives?

In the next .3 seconds ask yourself, how much better off would you or your team be if you knew how to communicate more effectively?

Let's talk. You can schedule a phone call here.

Saturday, December 1, 2018

Master the Chemistry of Communication





The chemistry class at my high school was pretty cool. Marble counters, Bunsen burners, microscopes, Petri dishes. But the most important piece of equipment in any chem lab was the goggles.


Unfortunately, we don’t have goggles to protect us from the mess our communication can cause BUT we do have other ways to protect ourselves using the Chemistry of Communication.


Imagine a communication as an empty test tube. Each person pours his or her mix of elements in. Sometimes those elements blend and we get a discovery like penicillin, a terrific marketing strategy, or the iPhone. Other times, a particular element hits the tube and the contents smoke, bubble, or explode. Why does that happen? 

To master the Chemistry of Communication you need to:

  1. Recognize the goal of the communication.
  2. Know the qualities of others involved.  
  3. Know to mix in just the right concentration of your element.

Often communication messes can be avoided by steering clear of the following habits:

  • Failure to take the temperature: Do you walk into a conversation without taking the temperature of the room? Are people tired, hungry, ready for a break, busy with something else, or emotionally triggered by a situation or event?  No matter how fabulous you think your contribution is, if people aren’t ready to hear it, things can blow up.
  • Failure to Dilute: Are you coming on too strong or over-sharing, saying more than people want to or need to hear? Dumping too much data on someone is like overfilling the test tube. All of the elements spill out, and the solution is rendered useless.
  • Over Diluting: Are you not assertive or are you passive aggressively withholding your opinion? Do you struggle to get to the point or clarify your message? Just remember, you might be just the element a particular formula needs. Don’t weaken your contribution.

Keep these tips in mind and contact me if you want a complementary discovery phone call with me to find out how to work on your communication chemistry.