GOT SHAME? Read, Write and Release!

Three years ago, I found a book in my laundry room called "I Thought it Was Just Me" by Brene Brown. I thought it was so fabulous that I wrote a  post about it on this blog. called Shame, Shame, Shame. 

Little did I know that three years later, I would  be asked to write an essay on shame and have it published in by Seal Press. The book is Dancing at the Shame Prom and it was released Sept. 18th 2012. Two weeks later it had already gone into its second printing! Here is an excerpt from my essay. PLEASE buy the book!

STINKIN’ SHAME
Robyn Hatcher

“Mm, mm, mm, that’s a stinkin’ shame!” was a common chorus in the songs of my childhood. That tone seemed to be reserved for whenever an African-American individual was caught doing something stupid, violent or otherwise shameful.  “Mm, mm, mm that’s a stinkin’ shame” Meaning: ‘That fool just set back the whole black race.’

Watching the evening news was a breeding ground for the Stinkin’ Shame Chorus. I grew up in the sixties and seventies; a time when news reporting was taken more seriously. News anchors were authorities; they were the arbiters of what was good and right and what was bad and wrong. And almost every evening at 6pm a similar scenario took place in my family. An intelligent looking Caucasian reporter (because they were all intelligent looking back then - and Caucasian) started a story about an armed robbery, a riot, a murder, arson or some other horrific crime. We often watched TV with my mother’s family – aunts, uncles, grandmother. They were waiting- anticipating the moment when the photo splashed across the screen.  If the perpetrator was black, there was guaranteed to be at least one utterance of the Stinkin Shame Refrain. Sometimes the whole choir sang it. If the perpetrator of the crime turned out NOT to be black, there was an audible sigh of relief, often punctuated with someone saying what everyone else was thinking: “Thank God he wasn’t black.”

This, I believe, was the origin of both my shame about my racial identity and my aversion to watching or reading the news.  It wasn’t until the 2008 election of the first black president that I realized how much shame I had been carrying….”

Read the rest of my essay in Dancing at the Shame Prom

Shame, Shame, Shame...

I love with this book! I also love the fact that I may never have heard of it if someone hadn't left it in my laundry room. So thanks neighbor!
In "I Thought It Was Just Me", Brene Brown focuses on shame and particularly women's relationship to shame. She writes: "Shame is about the fear of disconnection... We are afraid that we've exposed or revealed a part of us that jeopardizes our connection and our worthiness of acceptance." And before you stop reading this post, know that we all live with a certain amount of shame and most of us are too ashamed to even read or think about it. What I've learned from Ms. Brown is that NOT dealing with shame/acknowledging it and working through it can be crippling and dangerous. I began reading this book right after a relative of mine committed a totally unexpected suicide. I truly believe, his decision to end his life was closely related to his inability to deal with and process things he felt ashamed of. This book elucidates everything about shame (and so many other important issues) beautifully in ways that are clear, powerful and very easy to understand.
How does this relate to communication? As Brene articulately illustrates, shame often causes us to judge ourselves, and as a result others, harshly. She writes, "If, for example, we judge ourselves harshly and are incapable or unwilling to acknowledge our own emotions, we will struggle in our relationships with others. If we make a mistake and our self talk is, "I'm so stupid, I can't do anything right," then we are more likely to turn to our child or partner who has made a mistake and convey the same feelings... "
Brene also tell us that shame can cause us to put up what she calls "Shame Screens", behind which we engage in communication or lack of communication that is specifically designed by us to mask our shame. Needless to say, Shame Screens don't work and contribute to many ineffective and unauthentic communication habits. While reading this book, I've become so keenly aware of areas in my life where I carry shame. Will the shame in those areas ever go away? Probably not. But as Brene suggests, we can all benefit by developing Shame Resilience and this book and Brene's website, http://www.brenebrown.com/ helps us to do that. So go... read... enjoy... discover... become shame resilient.