October is anti-bullying month and I know we’ll be hearing and
reading about bullying in all forms. As a business communication skills expert,
I’d like to look at how bullying shows up in the work place and among “friends”
and colleagues and share some tools that might help fend off the bully in your
midst.
First of all, I have a confession. To know me or listen to me
speak, you might not think I’d be susceptible to bullying. But I am. There’s one particular type of person that can
push my bully victim button. This particular type ambushes me when I’m least
suspecting and the powerful, confident persona I’ve spent years developing
crumbles.
It’s one thing having to deal with the blatant, mean-spirited schoolyard
bully type; it’s quite another being bullied by a “well intentioned” colleague
or associate. And those types of bullies are prevalent in the office, the PTA
and among pseudo friends and associates. If you’re familiar with the DISC profile, my
bully button pusher is the high “D” the Director/Driver type. In other
vernacular it would be “A” type personalities or Alphas - the stereotypical bully
personality type. - Please note: ALL
A-types aren’t bullies and all bullies aren’t A-types. - Around these types of Alpha
men and most especially the Alpha women, my seemingly diamond self confidence grinds
down into a pile of fairy dust. Is it that these people are being mean, ruthless
and opportunistic? Is it that they are trying to undermine my self-confidence? Sometimes
but not always. So why do I a strong, confident individual allow them to bully
me?
The truth is, most bullies are just being who they are. The problem is, we allow them to get away
with being ALL of who they are while we become LESS of who we are.
Do you have a bully
button that is easily pushed? How can we avoid stumbling into the bully’s lair
or climbing out of it once we’ve been trapped? As I said, most A type bullies
are just being true to who they are – they like to be direct, in control, and right.
Heck, who doesn’t want all those things. But for bullies, the one way to make sure
that they are in control and right is to make other people feel out of control
and wrong. So when faced with an Alpha bully the first thing to remember is to
become even more of who we are (read this post for a few tips on how to do that)
and to develop some of these 4 bully-busting habits.
1.
Breathe: Sounds simple but taking
deep belly breaths will help ground you and remind you to stay in your body and
not let your mind drift away to past bullying exchanges that ended badly.
2.
Match their rhythm but
not their tone: Most bullies speak quickly, forcefully, abruptly and loudly. The
tendency is to either shut down and say nothing or counter their rhythm by
speaking more slowly and quietly which is a green light for bullies because
they interpret it as a sign of weakness. Or sometimes we try to match their abrupt
or brusque - sounding tone which encourages them to get out the gloves and go
for the jugular.
3.
Acknowledge their emotions: Most bullies, would
rather be right then liked so our attempts to get out of the confrontation by
disagreeing with them or countering their argument only makes them come on
stronger. Even agreeing with a bully
doesn’t usually work. They like the thrill of a fight and a quick agreement
doesn’t feel like a satisfying enough win. However, if you say something like, “Wow, you sound frustrated with me” or “It seems like you’re really worried about
this,” it sounds like you are empathizing with them which is unnerving for
most bullies and takes some wind out of their sails. (It’s often recommended to
use “I” language and talk about how they make you feel. Problem is: Many bullies
don’t care about your feelings. Remember: they want to be right more than
liked.)
4.
Bully proof your body
language: Our first tendency when
dealing with a bully is to avoid eye-contact. This signals insecurity and gives
them an edge. No matter how much they intimidate you, force yourself to look
them in the eye (or seem like you are. If someone really intimidates you, look
at their forehead, they’ll never know.)
Other
body language skills to keep in mind: positions like covering your torso by
crossing your arms, holding one arm, touching your neck and crossing your legs can
signal hiding and insecurity and make you seem weaker. So stand straight, lean
forward and keep your head up. Adopting some uber confident body language
skills can also have the added benefit of pre-empting a bully encounter. At
your desk, spread out in your chair taking up as much space as possible. This will
both make you feel more confident and may send a “don’t mess with me” message
to your bully.
Trying
all or some of these techniques might help you deal with the “well intentioned”
or even some not well intentioned bullies out there. If you’re dealing with a
hard core meany, you may need to confront him or her by having “Crucial
Conversation.” Check out this article from
the Vital Smarts Crucial Conversation website. Bullying at Work. I love their stuff.
And
remember: Don’t take a page out of the bully playbook and fixate on the fact
that your behavior is right and theirs is wrong. Concentrate instead on something you have in common (like getting work done) and the benefit that will result from the two of you being able get along and communicate more effectively.
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