Reach Out and Touch!

In my training and coaching, I talk a lot about nonverbal communication: body language, gestures, facial expressions and vocal tone. However, there is one we tend to overlook—physical contact.

In a New York Times article by Benedict Carey, the author notes that researchers have discovered “momentary touches...—whether an exuberant high five, a warm hand on the shoulder, or a creepy touch to the arm— can communicate an even wider range of emotion than gestures or expressions, and sometimes do so more quickly and accurately than words.”

Interesting, huh? The fact is that 40% of the population is most comfortable using a kinesthetic learning channel; which means they communicate more effectively through touch as opposed to sight or sound. Touch, the article explains, is the first language we learn. No wonder it holds so much sway! Messages communicated through touch can immediately affect the way people think and act.

“Students who received a supportive touch on the back or arm from a teacher were nearly twice as likely to volunteer in class as those who did not. A sympathetic touch from a doctor leaves people with the impression that the visit lasted twice as long, compared with estimates from people who were untouched.”

The Definitive Book of Body Language also notes that just brushing someone’s hand can create rapport and increase positive feelings and a light tap on the elbow has been found to increase a person’s chances of getting what they want by 3 fold.

Of course, in the age of sexual harassment suits, no one’s suggesting you go around caressing and embracing everyone you meet or work with. However, think about adding a light tap on the elbow, a brush on the hand, or a light pat on the back to your communication. It can make a real difference in the way people perceive you, relate to you, and respond to your requests.

Communication Itch

How many times do you sit at a meeting, have dinner with a friend or are on the other end of the phone with someone and feel as though you are sitting on what you REALLY want to say? I’m sure we have all done this to some extent. In today’s blog post, my intern Narmeen Iqbal, talks about how she dealt with this situation which she calls the “Communication Itch”

Surely, all relationship experts agree that communication is the key to a happy, healthy and long lasting relationship. Though I can’t help wondering how many of us actually use this powerful tool to transform our relationships.

I once suffered from what I would like to call a, “communication itch” meaning that I wanted to express my true inner feelings in some way but I always found non-constructive ways of going about it. For example, one of my best friends frequently would call me or wanted to see me whenever she needed help with something but never to ask about my wellbeing, for a while I let this behavior slide by thinking that she might realize it on her own. As time passed by I started to distance myself thinking that there is no point telling her that I feel used by her. One day she asked me if I wanted to hang out and I agreed, however, I didn’t make an effort to talk much. Basically, I was giving her the silent treatment thinking that I was punishing her for using me for her own purposes. This went on for quite some time.

NO MORE MR/MS. NICE GUY!!

We all want to be liked, right? And we’ve been told since childhood that in order to be liked, we have to be nice. But, I’ve recently discovered that many of my clients sacrifice effective leadership skills by trying to be too nice. Now, don’t get me wrong I’m not advocating becoming a super &%#@!! but what I am advocating is for you to be authentic.

I was recently coaching a client who had a good management job in a well respected corporation. He was extremely capable, talented and very NICE. His superiors wanted him to get communication coaching because he came across as a little unresponsive when interacting with clients and had a serious “whatever-ing” problem.

As I started working with him, I found out that he had been a competitive athlete. That got me thinking. Where was the edge? Where was the aggression? A person doesn’t usually spend a lifetime being competitive and then suddenly turn into a teddy bear. As I continued to probe, he admitted that he was working hard to “fit in” to the corporate culture by being “nice.” I totally understood his dilemma but unfortunately, the result was that he was only bringing 75% of himself to the job.

It is important to get along with others but if in doing that, you are not utilizing your core strengths then everybody loses. What he was doing was holding back opinions and comments because he didn’t want people to think he wasn’t nice. The result? He had turned into a generic manager clone; capable but not interesting. Nice but not powerful. That’s why he came off as unresponsive with clients because he was afraid to express his true opinions. And that’s why he resorted to the “whatever” tone – he was not comfortable expressing all that he had to express.

I gave him language choices and techniques to help him express his opinion and feedback in a assertive, supportive non aggressive way. I gave him techniques on how to acknowledge other people’s opinions in order to create room for him to express his own I also worked with him on different techniques to bring more power and passion to his vocal tone. Will this turn him into an ogre or tyrant? Not at all, it will allow the him to bring 100% of himself to work instead of 75%. That will be more comfortable for him and much more interesting for his coworkers.

Face to Face Communication Revolution!

I'm just getting into the social networking scene and it is pretty neat and awesome and effective. However, we have to remember that nothing can replace face to face communication. Human beings are visual and aural creatures. Based on the well-known study by Professor Albert Mehrabian, body language and vocal tone contribute to more than 90% of communication's effectiveness - two elements that cannot be experienced via blackberry, email or any other social media. Face to face communication is essential for creating connection, trust and loyalty. Several studies have discovered that people (men AND women ) take action based primarily on their emotions. It is extremely difficult to engage someone emotionally through written communication. Written communication is excellent for laying out logical information, which is important, but cannot take the place of face to face interaction in conveying emotion. No matter how much the human race has evolved, our brains still rely on our instinct to assess danger, trust and honesty. It's important to be able look into a person's eyes, hear the sound of their voice, see the confidence, or lack thereof, in their bodies in order to feel comfortable making major business decisions. There is also an exchange of palpable physical energy that takes place when people are in the same room with each other, an energy that cannot be replicated through video or teleconferencing. So join me in my campaign to not only celebrate and bring back face to face communication but let's raise it to a high art form!