Confidence Rx - Give Your Confidence a Boost

10 Ways to Give Your Confidence a Shot in the Arm

Recently I had the honor of having one of my Articles published on About.com. I'm sharing it below. Enjoy! Take my advice and call me in the morning.

We've all heard the expression "You never get a second chance to make a first impression." But did you know it can take up to 12 visits to undo a negative first impression? Whether you're trying to impress an employer, a client, a prospect or a first date, it's important to project confidence and presence.

Both confidence and presence are communicated from the inside out and the outside in. So it's important to learn how to project confidence from the outside – through your body language and vocal tone and from the inside – by discovering and celebrating your signature strengths (the strengths that make you special.)

Here are 5 inner and 5 outer ways to ramp up your confidence and presence.

For Inner Confidence:

1. Do a thorough self-examination. Many of us have trouble separating our strengths from our job descriptions and if we don't have a "real job" we have a very hard time owning the qualities that make us special. Here's one way to help you uncover your signature strengths:
• On a piece of paper, brainstorm a list of all the jobs you've ever had including volunteer positions, motherhood and life partnering. Add to that list any activity you've ever participated in: chess, athletics, debate, gardening. Then add any committees, boards or clubs you've been a member or officer of – ie. church group, PTA, community organization. (FYI.  I honed the majority of my leadership skills as PTA president and as a leader in a religious organization.)
• Then take another piece of paper and list all the strengths and skills you had to use or learn in the jobs or activities on your list. This can include qualities you used during challenges as well as triumphs. Do you rely on your creativity, your honesty, humor, optimism, analytic skills? (If this is hard for you to do on your own, enlist a trusted friend or a circle of friends to give you a list of three positive qualities that they see in you.)
• Are there qualities you wish you had that haven't made the list? Write those down too
• 2. Invest in yourself – To polish any skills that need strengthening or to help develop any quality or skill you would like to add, find a coach, trainer, class, or workshop that can help you cultivate or elevate those skills. Most women are terrific at supporting and encouraging others, but will resist investing time or money on supporting and encouraging their own growth. Know that it's never too late to learn or improve on a skill or strength. And also know that you're worth the investment. If coaching or training is not your thing, take a dance, acting or improvisation class, sing Karaoke, paint, draw, sculpt, write! Research shows that when we do something creative (even if creativity isn't one of our top strengths) one of our dominant strengths will jump out to guide us through. Don't worry about being perfect, these new activities will help you bring out and express your signature strengths.
• For the other 8 remedies click here.

From Shy to Shining!

I recently had someone ask me on twitter: "How did you get from Shy to shining?"

I decided to answer that question on my blog so I could easily share it with everyone. Below is an excerpt from the introduction to my soon to be published BOOK which answers this question. Of course overcoming any ingrained habit is a life long challenge but there are ways to do it.

So... how did I go from shy to shining"  I made a very deliberate choice.  Somehow I knew that I did not want to continue being type cast as the shy background player in the movie of my life. I yearned to step out of that role. It was suffocating me but I didn’t feel capable of being anyone else. Shai was familiar, she was comfortable, she was well liked, respected even, but she was driving me crazy!  If you are reading this book, chances are there is a quality or habit that you feel locked into that you would like to release. That’s just how I felt.  So, I made a choice. The deliberate choice I made to step out of my shyness wasn’t premeditated but as soon as I made it, I knew it was right. 

Communication Itch

How many times do you sit at a meeting, have dinner with a friend or are on the other end of the phone with someone and feel as though you are sitting on what you REALLY want to say? I’m sure we have all done this to some extent. In today’s blog post, my intern Narmeen Iqbal, talks about how she dealt with this situation which she calls the “Communication Itch”

Surely, all relationship experts agree that communication is the key to a happy, healthy and long lasting relationship. Though I can’t help wondering how many of us actually use this powerful tool to transform our relationships.

I once suffered from what I would like to call a, “communication itch” meaning that I wanted to express my true inner feelings in some way but I always found non-constructive ways of going about it. For example, one of my best friends frequently would call me or wanted to see me whenever she needed help with something but never to ask about my wellbeing, for a while I let this behavior slide by thinking that she might realize it on her own. As time passed by I started to distance myself thinking that there is no point telling her that I feel used by her. One day she asked me if I wanted to hang out and I agreed, however, I didn’t make an effort to talk much. Basically, I was giving her the silent treatment thinking that I was punishing her for using me for her own purposes. This went on for quite some time.

Stepping in to What You've Honed

What a pair of shoes taught me!

I recently coined the expression, Own it While Who Hone it, and based on the amount of retweets I get, that phrase seems to resonate with a lot of people.  A few weeks ago while getting complimented on one of my favorite pairs of shoes, I realized that those shoes literally exemplify the act of me owning while I honed.

First a confession: I’m a Sale-aholic. The words “Marked down”  “On Sale” and “Discount Store” are like crack Cocaine to me.

I bought the afore mentioned shoes pictured on the left several years ago. I was in one of my favorite close-out stores, National Wholesale Liquidators, which has since “closed out” its Manhattan location. (To this day, it’s hard for me to go to lower Broadway without becoming filled with grief.) But I digress. These shoes had been carelessly tossed in a bin with other designer shoes. I picked them up and thought “wow, these are cute. “but soooo not me” I tried them on anyway. They fit perfectly and there was something really hot about them, but they were “SO not me” For business wear, I tended to go more “traditional” and classic.  “when and where would I ever wear these shoes”  Then I looked at the price and my sale addiction kicked in and I thought, at this price! I can’t NOT get them…” I brought them home and hid them in my closet. Months went by. One lovely summer day, I needed to go to an interview for a volunteer position; one that I was ambivalent about accepting. So I decided that, since no one there knew me, I would try on a slightly different persona – a persona that was comfortable wearing those shoes. It felt great! I LOVED being that person. (I was approved and wound up accepting the volunteer position) That might have been the end of the story. 

However, the day of my shoe debut, I had called a friend who has known me for a very long time. We met for a quick coffee after the interview. She didn’t comment on my shoes one way or another. Of course, since I was still unsure about this new persona I was trying on, I took her lack of commenting as a negative.( go figure!)  I put the shoes back in my closet and did not take them out again for SIX YEARS!!! I kid you not!

SIX YEARS went by with me glancing at the shoes from time to time and wondering why on earth I had bought them, why I was keeping them and most importantly would I EVER wear them again.

How to Shine

In order to truly shine, you need to get in touch with and celebrate what’s special about you.

 

When I work with people on interview skills and other communication skills, I usually start off by asking them to tell me about their strengths. Many people can't separate their core strengths from their job skills. And many others have never truly thought about the question. So many of us focus on the negative qualities we possess we become blind to all of our positive traits. When you get in touch with your positive qualities and infuse those qualities into everything you do - the way you walk, stand, dress and talk - not only will people will begin to take notice, but you will feel more authentic, vital and confident.

 

6 Steps to Bringing Out the Best in You! 

1. Survey Yourself! I highly recommend taking the VIAcharacter survery at http://www.viacharacter.org./ It ‘s a free survey developed by a team of well noted psychologists (including Martin Seligman) who are behind the study of Positive Psychology and The Happiness Project. This survey will identify your top five character strengths out of a list of 24 strengths. (my top 5 are creativity, spirituality, wisdom, social intelligence and leadership.)
2. Create Stories! Once you’ve identified your strengths by either deep soul searching, asking friends or associates or taking the VIA survey, start thinking of stories in your life that illustrate those strengths. How did you use your strength to bring about a change? How do you use your strengths on a daily bases? Use these stories as a basis for your elevator pitch or job interview responses.
3. Express yourself! Take a dance class, acting or improvisation class, sing Karaoke, paint, draw, sculpt, write! Whenever we do something creative (even if creativity isn’t one of our top strengths) one of our signature strengths will jump out to guide us through it – if we let it. You don’t have to worry about doing these things “right” you’re doing them to further get in touch with and express your signature strengths.
4. Speak your strengths. What people react to most in a person’s individual communication style is consistency; does the way you look and sound match the words you are using. Adopt vocabulary and nonverbal skills that reflect your top strengths: If “hope” comes up big for you, try using phrases like “I hope to see you soon,” “I have high hopes for this project.” Be sure your voice has lightness to it and your body language is open.
5. Dress your strengths. Probably since creativity is high on my list, I personally have an enormous wardrobe. I try to create a style that reflects the strength I’m going to utilize on any particular day. I'm not suggesting running out and buying lots of close, just be mindful that your clothes usually speak first so make sure they communicate a quality you'd like to lead with.
6. Appreciate your strengths. Everyday express gratitude for the special combination of strengths you’ve been given. At the end of the day, write down what you're thankful for and which of your strengths pulled you through any challenge or activity that you succeeded at.

 

Follow these steps and I guarantee you will not only learn to shine but be a lot happier doing it.