Communication Inspirations

Networking: If at first you don’t succeed…

2012-01-23T01:06:00.000-05:00

Lessons Learned from Sticking it out When You Feel Like You Have Two Heads!

For a sole proprietor, marketing is always a challenge. Recently, I closed an extremely lucrative deal tocreate and deliver a training workshop for a large corporation. I did not get offered this job as a result ofFacebook, LinkedIn, twitter or any other media outlet. I got it through goodold fashioned face to face networking. As I’ve mentioned before in this blog,almost 99% of my work comes from networking. But this particular networkingconnection almost didn’t happen since I almost left the event prematurelyin an “I hate networking” funk.

I had really been anticipating this event. It was beinghosted by a woman’s organization I had just rejoined and it involved shopping -one of my all time passions. But something felt off as I entered. I ran into twopeople I knew right off the bat but I felt like they both kind of dissed me. And it went downhill from there. It seemed asthough everyone I made eye contact with quickly looked away thinking they couldfind someone better to talk to. Had I had grown a second head or something? WasI wearing the wrong dress/shoes/makeup? I watched other people chat and exchange cardswhile I could only manage a few fleeting encounters.

I'm the Manager...Why won't they listen to me?

2012-01-04T17:31:00.000-05:00

by Narmeen Iqbal and Robyn Hatcher

Since, I (Narmeen) am going to business school in January I thought it will be great idea to writea blog about effective communication skills as a future manager.

Communicationsskills are extremely important in any role in our lives whether it is as personalor professional level. Effective communication skills are essential for being agood manager. Within communications there are many sub-categories but I willfocus on the category of oral communication with employees. The mostimportant role for a manger is the ability to get his or her point acrosseffectively.

Here are3 tips to help managers achieve that:

Analogies: Your Best Friend

2011-12-13T15:39:00.000-05:00

by Narmeen Iqbal & Robyn Hatcher

According toDictionary.com, an analogy is: “a form of reasoning inwhich one thing is inferred to be similar to another thing in a certainrespect, on the basis of the known similarity between the things in otherrespects”.

According to Robyn Hatcher, Owner CEO ofSpeaketc, “Analogies are your best friend” especially when giving presentationsand in communicating with people. Analogies help listeners grasp the concept oran idea much easier. It also helps listeners mentally visualize the connectionbetween one form of reasoning by interpreting it through another form ofreasoning resulting in a lucid understanding.

Here is an excellent example of analogy by a MarketingProfessor at Indian Institute of Management (IIM) comparing marketing concepts witha gorgeous girl at a party. Like manyeffective analogies, this analogy uses a touch of humor. It definitely made me laugh!

Communication Itch

2011-12-05T12:50:00.001-05:00

How manytimes do you sit at a meeting, have dinner with a friend or are on the otherend of the phone with someone and feel as though you are sitting on what youREALLY want to say? I’m sure we have all done this to some extent. In today’sblog post, my intern Narmeen Iqbal, talks about how she dealt with thissituation which she calls the “Communication Itch”

Surely, all relationship experts agree thatcommunication is the key to a happy, healthy and long lasting relationship.Though I can’t help wondering how many of us actually use this powerful tool totransform our relationships.

I oncesuffered from what I would like to call a, “communication itch” meaning that Iwanted to express my true inner feelings in some way but I always foundnon-constructive ways of going about it. For example, one of my best friendsfrequently would call me or wanted to see me whenever she needed help withsomething but never to ask about my wellbeing, for a while I let this behavior slideby thinking that she might realize it on her own. As time passed by I startedto distance myself thinking that there is no point telling her that I feel usedby her. One day she asked me if I wanted to hang out and I agreed, however, Ididn’t make an effort to talk much. Basically, I was giving her the silent treatmentthinking that I was punishing her for using me for her own purposes. This wenton for quite some time.

Stepping in to What You've Honed

2011-10-05T23:11:00.001-04:00

I recently coined the expression, Own it While Who Hone it, and based on the amount of retweets I get,that phrase seems to resonate with a lot of people. A few weeks ago while getting complimented onone of my favorite pairs of shoes, I realized that those shoes literally exemplifythe act of me owning while I honed.

Is Your BULLY- Button Showing?

2011-09-19T07:46:00.001-04:00

4 Strategies to Neutralize a Bully

October is anti-bullying month and I know we’ll be hearing andreading about bullying in all forms. As a business communication skills expert,I’d like to look at how bullying shows up in the work place and among “friends”and colleagues and share some tools that might help fend off the bully in yourmidst.

10 Strategies to Boost Sales

2011-08-23T17:00:00.002-04:00

by Julie Steelman

Adapted from her new book, "The Effortless Yes"

Dear Readers: Whether we're technically in "Sales" or not, we're always selling. Sometimes it's just selling an idea to a friend which has very low stakes and sometimes it's selling our product or service and the stakes are a bit higher. So for this post, I asked a friend of mine, a real sales expert, to share some tips about boosting our sales results. Enjoy - Robyn

Want to know the real reason small businesses fail? It's because entrepreneurs--particularly women--are allergic to selling. They hate selling, fear selling, or find it distasteful or disingenuous. As a result, their revenues stay flat or decline over time.

But there's an easy and effective way to cure "selling allergy." There's a way to make selling both enjoyable and profitable. Here are 10 strategies to get you started:

How to Hone What You Own

2011-08-18T12:31:00.000-04:00

Recently after a presentation I gave for a group of female financial advisors a young advisor approached me. I had spoken at length about the importance of creating and preparing a value proposition. A value propositions is similar to an elevator pitch. It’s an opportunity to tell another person the value that you bring to the table. To let them know how your experience, skills and expertise will help improve their lives or bottom line. This young woman was new to the business and felt because she didn’t have any real experience, she didn’t know how to go about creating a effective value prop or how to answer the question, how long have you been doing this? I often get this or related questions. So... here's my answer.

Blank, Blocked or Too Scared to Share!

2011-08-02T20:49:00.002-04:00

I knew I wanted to do a blog post but nothing was jumping out at me. (I also stubbornly refused to look at the list of possible topics I had written months ago- go figure!) Instead I sent out a tweet about staring at a blank page. I very quickly got a reply from @systematizeme. “Blank page… many fear a blank mind when preparing to speak… I think you are off to a great post” and of course that got me thinking. (Thank You Latosha!) What is it that stops us from speaking, writing, and sometimes even thinking what’s in our hearts or on our minds? Are we really blocked or are we just too scared to express ourselves?

Never Underestimate Power of Networking!

2011-07-16T12:17:00.003-04:00

Last year I made a commitment to attend at least 3 networking events a month. Sometimes I had to really drag myself out of the door and often once I got to the event, it seemed like a colossal waste of time. BUT I recently found out that you NEVER know what one seemingly wasted networking event can lead to.

Assume and Doom!

2011-06-22T23:29:00.000-04:00

You know that saying that goes “When you assume it makes an “ass” out of “u” and ’me’. I don’t believe that’s always the case and I wouldn’t quite put it like that because I’m a classy chick but I will tell you that when it comes to communication, many of us assume way more than we should.

I work with clients on all different forms of communication; job interviews, elevator pitches, presentations and meetings. Recently, I’ve noticed that in all of these different types of communication, people assume that their listeners know way more than they actually do. I think in this day and age we’ve become so afraid of giving TMI (too much information) that we often end up leaving out important details. Assumptions that get in the way of communication come in two forms: Emotional Assumptions (assuming someone feels or will feel a certain way) and logical assumptions (assuming someone knows certain things). Here are examples of one logical and one emotional assumption. Don’t let them doom your next communication.

Logical Assumption: Your listener understands what you do just cause you tell them your job title:
I can’t tell you how many times working with clients on job interviews or presentations, a person will give a job title or brief description and then assume that the listener will know everything they need to know. Most of us are so intimate with the minutia that goes into what it is that we do that we make the assumption that everyone else is equally familiar with it and therefore omit important details that can help your listener truly understand what it is you do. Yes, there is that occasional narcissist who is all too happy to bore you with a blow by blow account of how they watched paint dry but believe me, in face to face communication, those folks are rare.

Some of you may be thinking, “But surely for a job interview or a presentation for my peers, the listener should have some knowledge of what I do. Why would I have to go into detail?" The operative word here is “some knowledge.” Yes, people may know in theory what a title like: Financial Consultant, Marketing Director or Human Resource Manager means. They may know you as the VP of whatever, BUT that doesn’t guarantee that they understand what it is that you actually do. The danger with giving too few details is that it forces your listener to dig into their memory and pull up their own assumptions. Some of those assumptions might be positive, some may be neutral and some may be a turn off. If the last financial consultant they met helped them amass a fortune, terrific. But what if the financial consultant that comes to mind is the one that ruined their grandmother’s estate?

Emotional Assumption: You know how your listener or audience feels about a topic.
Many times in preparing for a presentation, my clients will say things like,”I know you all want” “You must be tired of…” Whenever I hear those kinds of statements a little caution light goes on and I encourage a different word choice. For example: “I know some of you might want” or “Many of you may be tired of…” Why? Because most people hate being pigeon holed or having their thoughts and emotions lumped together with the thoughts and emotions of a large group that they may or may not know. It’s important to bring up negative assumptions that an audience may have about your topic, (it’s called getting the elephant out of the room) But it’s equally important not to categorically assume what people are thinking or feeling. Feel it out by using modal auxiliaries, (might, could, may etc) they’re not called the “polite” forms of speech for nothing.

I'd love to know your thoughts.And contact me if you want to know some other dooming assumptions!

What the Heck is Presence?

2011-06-08T12:27:00.001-04:00

When I do one on one sessions, I sometimes go to my clients. I recently did a session at a client's apartment and when I walked in, she exclaimed that my presence was so large it was strange having me in her space. No, she was not calling me fat! That made me wonder what presence actually is and where it comes from. So I went to the dictionary. Presence(n): Impressive appearance, quality or bearing. Why do I have presence? Is it what I do? or what I am? How I dress? Or how I feel?

Having a powerful presence does NOT mean strutting into a room making a grand entrance, striking a pose and speaking at the top of your voice. Doing that is sure to get you remembered but not necessarily for the right reasons. A powerful presence can be the afore mentioned scenario providing that grand entrance, pose and voice are consistent with who you are and what you represent, but a powerful presence can also be a quiet presence.

To me, people with presence exude confidence. They seem rooted, secure; aware of and in control of their external appearance and at ease with who they are. Presence, therefore, is communicated both from the inside and the outside. And you can develop a more powerful presence by working on it from the inside out AND from the outside in. When I work with people, I work on both at the same time.

Many people could have (and probably did) talk to me till they were blue in the face about being more confident during my "Shy" period (see previous post), but by my high school drama teacher forcing me to act confident while speaking powerful words was much more effective.

So… is it about faking it till you make it?

Yes, and No. Something about that phrase makes me cringe. The language we use to describe our learning process is very important. One of the most pervasive feelings successful professionals struggle with is the feeling of being found out to be a fraud. It’s a very common and self-sabotaging feeling. So using the word “fake” to describe a way of working on your presence, does not feel helpful. I prefer a phrase that I coined:

“Own it while you hone it”

So for all of you who want to develop more presence... pick out a "role" or "character" you'd like to play in certain parts of your life and then Own it! Let me know how it goes!

Presence... Maybe You're born with it, Maybe it's Maybelline!

2011-05-16T00:13:00.001-04:00

Do you ever have the feeling that people are looking over you, behind you, around you - everything but AT you? Do you ever long to walk into a room and be that person everybody notices? Do you ever yearn to be the person at a meeting that everybody listens to? Whose ideas are almost always acknowledged even if they aren’t acted on? If so, you might want to work on developing a more powerful presence! I am very proud to say that having a powerful presence is one of my strengths and I’m passionate about helping others develop theirs. For the next few posts, I’ll be talking about the power of presence and how to achieve it.

Can you develop presence? Aren’t you just born with it?

You remember those Maybelline commercials? “Maybe she’s born with it or maybe it’s Maybelline.” Well, I’m an avid believer in mascara. Rarely leave home without it. And when it comes to presence, like thick eyelashes, if you weren’t born with it, I believe with enough “Maybelline” you can look like you were.

I often talk about how I was a painfully shy child and adolescent and how I overcame that through my pursuit of acting. My very first role as an actress was in an experimental play called The Infernal Machine by Jacques Cocteau. I played the character of the Sphinx – the character was described as: “the most mysterious criminal of all times” “the enigma of all enigmas”, “the human monster”, “the bitch that sings”

For a shy 14 year old who had just taken the biggest leap of her life by spontaneously auditioning for “a” role in a play at the boy’s school down the street, reading that description was quite a shock. But I was determined to change my personality so I decided to go for it. The “hippy” male director pushed me, cajoled me and humiliated me into creating a presence with the Sphinx. But, the truth is, each time I pushed myself to speak a little louder, stand a little stronger, unleash more emotion, I felt fantastically present. I truly believe that being cast in that role at that time altered the course of my life. And that is why I know presence can be learned. Next week, I’ll talk about what a powerful presence is.

Is there something in your life that affected your personality? Tell me about it.

Business Lessons Learned from Word Mole

2011-04-21T09:33:00.000-04:00

I recently hired a business coach. Something I had resisted doing for some time. I resisted for several reasons ; I didn’t trust it was worth the money; what if the one I choose wasn’t the “right” one; and ultimately, I resisted because I felt; I SHOULD be able to do this by myself and involving someone else in my business would feel too uncomfortable and might get messy! Now I know from my many years of training (and life) that messiness and discomfort are a part of growth. Heck, I teach it myself! But it’s still a hard concept to embrace. That’s why it was enlightening to get a concrete, literal lesson from an unexpected source – a smart phone game called Word Mole.

I was standing on the restroom line to a screening recently playing a game on my Blackberry when a stranger asked me if I was playing Word Mole. I wasn’t’. She said something about being obsessed by Word Mole, a stall opened up and that was the end of the conversation. However, curious and competitive as I am, I went back to my seat and started to explore Word Mole. I had tried it before but couldn’t figure out how to get it to work. Now I was determined. I finally figured out the logistics and thus began my decent into utter frustration. For those of you who haven’t been sucked in, Word Mole is a game where you are given a “garden” full of letters and have to make as many words as you can within a certain amount of time. You get points for the words you make and of course the more letters in the word, the more points. HOWEVER, the rules state that you are supposed to use letters that are connected to each other in some way. IF you don’t use letters that are connected, a mole comes out and creates a hole in your garden where no letters can grow until you use a letter next to the mole hole. Got it? So, I diligently worked my garden creating what words I could find. It was painful. First of all, they give you precious few vowels so with time clicking away, anxiety would set in and my mind would go blank as I tried to create point rich words and still have each letter touching another. Time after time I had to settle for cheap 3 and four letter words. “ran” “That” “dig.” “Sex” was a good one cause the “X” was worth extra points. If you manage to rack up 50 points in 2 minutes you get to go to the next level But each subsequent level requires you to earn 10 more points in the same amount of time! More anxiety! With my baby words, I would sometimes make it to the next level, but seldom to the level after that. WHY? Because I was determined to play only by the strictest of the rules! The alternative, of having a mole dig a hole in my garden seemed untenable! Whenever this would happen inadvertently, I freaked out and spent gobs of extra time looking for ways that I could repair the hole. I didn’t care how much harder doing it “by the rules” was. I was determined to beat the game while creating the least amount of messiness. (Not only was I determined to do it “by the rules”, I refused to succumb to “cheating” by looking for hints or tips on line.)

Then one day I saw an opportunity to form a juicy 6 letter word . it required using a letter very much not connected to any other letters I was using – AND (Palms sweating) I DID IT! That word was worth so many points that I instantly advanced to the next level. And guess what? The sky didn’t fall! Hmmm… What did this mean? Then, desperate to finish the new harder level and advance, I again experimented with recklessly creating mole holes in my garden. Sometimes I had as many as 3 holes at a time before I could fill them up and nothing bad happened! I was advancing further and further. I actually was able to complete a “Season” and was invited to start another Season. I didn’t even know there were Seasons! So what was the lesson learned? You’ve probably figured it out.

In business and in life, we often continue to do things according to rules that we make up and enforce upon ourselves. Those rules are often rules that keep us feeling safe; rules that lessens any messiness or discomfort. We also tend to ignore the fact that playing by those rules and feeling morally superior by not “cheating” (read asking for help) can create senseless anxiety. Exactly like my experience with Word Mole. The rules never said: DO NOT CREATE HOLES. The rules merely said that creating holes caused consequences but there are ways to deal with those consequences. What I learned was that by creating those consequences, I was able to achieve better results. I’m hoping that my experience with my business coach will reinforce that lesson. And my advice to you: experiment with creating holes in your garden. Who knows what it could lead to.

You Don't Have To Be Dynamic 24/7

2011-03-30T17:38:00.001-04:00

In February, I had the honor of being one of the many fantastic speakers at Tory Johnson’s Spark and Hustle conference in LA. My topic: “How to Go From Shy to Dynamic: For those of you who don’t know, I was painfully shy as a child and have gone on to become a speaker, trainer, coach and crusader for improving the quality of face to face communication.

The day I was scheduled to speak at Spark and Hustle was the longest day of the conference. It started at 8 am and I was schedule to speak at 4:45. Fabulous speaker after fabulous speaker shared, inspired and educated the audience of some 200 female entrepreneurs. I sat at one of the tables with about 6 other ladies, some participants, some speakers. We chatted, shared and learned together throughout the day. Then it was time for my presentation. I opened with music - a rousing rendition of “This Little Light of Mine.” (more about that decision in another post) I hit the stage and delivered my presentation with the type of energy that was consistent with my topic; for those 20 + minutes, I was fully committed to being dynamic! The response was terrific. At the end, I had everyone on their feet claiming their space and shouting out how wonderful they were.

But what really fascinated me (and the reason I’m writing this post), was what happened when I got back to my table. My table mates were in shock! They couldn’t believe that the person who had been sitting with them for the past 9 hours, was the same person who had taken the stage! Their reaction really made me think. First, of course, I went to the “bad” place. “Wow, do I come off as incredibly boring and insecure when I’m not on stage?” Then after I talked myself down from that ledge, I thought… “How could I have and why would I have brought that same level of dynamism to my “role” of conference participant? To me, it would have been inappropriate – not to mention thoroughly exhausting!

As a matter of fact, one of the first things I mentioned in my presentation that day was that in order to go from Shy to Dynamic, we need to learn certain skills and arm ourselves with certain tools that will make us a dynamic presence when we need to be. Once we master those tools and skills, we can choose when and where to use them. Just like not every job a carpenter tackles will require a band saw, not every situation we encounter will call for the same type of presence. In short, we don’t have to be dynamic 24/7. But good communicators like good carpenters should have the best tools at their disposal. Bottom line, it’s important to learn to be dynamic… (in your own way) but it’s just as important to know when and where to bring that dynamism out!

Spark and Hustle LA.

2011-02-13T18:10:00.004-05:00

Had a wonderful time Sharing AND Learning!
Sorry the video cuts off so abruptly. My camera ran out of battery. Hoping to get the rest of it from a friend who was taping. Thanks Lisa!! Here's what I talked about.

Claim Your Space!
60 to 80% of communication is nonverbal. Your visual and vocal message needs to be consistent with the words you are saying. If they are not, we tend to believe the visual and vocal over the verbal. How we walk, stand and sit communicates our level of confidence to the outside world BUT walking, standing and sitting in confident postures also helps us FEEL more confident. Practice taking up more space when you stand, sit, walk and gesture.

Speak With Power!
The quality tone and inflection of your voice is responsible for 38% of your message. Habits like – Up speaking, (everything a question) Drop speaking (losing energy at the end off a sentence) and Whatevering (boring sing song) weaken your message and make you sound less than confident. Learn to breathe from your diaphragm to add a deeper resonance to your voice and think about savoring your words and giving them as gifts!

Voice Your VALUE!
In addition to looking and sounding good, knowing and being comfortable communicating your Value is extremely important. What are the core character strengths and values that set you apart from your peers? Make sure those values and strengths come through loud and clear in your communication.

If you missed Spark and Hustle in LA check out the rest of the tour at http://www.sparkandhustle.com/

Interview Tips to Remember

2011-02-01T20:28:00.001-05:00

You’ve got a big interview coming up! You’ve revamped your resume, researched the company picked out an outfit. What more can you do? PRACTICE. Preferably with someone who can video tape you.

I’ve recently coached several vastly different people for interviews and in each case, the before and after were remarkable. I’d like to pass on some things they learned from our sessions.

1) Remember: Bring Your Personality
So many people feel they have to strip away their personality as soon as they don their interview clothes. Not so… Many interviewers sit in a room all day talking to job applicant after job applicant. Imagine how boring that might be. Bringing your personality to the interview is one way to be memorable.

Instead of - walking in as though you’re going to a firing squad, sitting down, folding your hands and staring at the interviewer awaiting questions.
Try - walking briskly in, (always give them a few seconds to “check you out”), sit toward the front of the chair with your chest slightly forward. * SMILE and start the conversation yourself! Comment on their office, something their wearing and yes, maybe even the weather. As long as your comment is positive and authentic, it could really serve to break the ice and make you both feel more comfortable and engaged.

*To learn more about body language, check out my nonverbal communication video series

2) Remember: It’s a Conversation not an Interrogation:
There’s a tendency for people to make interviews like one person tennis games. The interviewer serves, the interviewee gives a one sentence answer which lands with a thud on the other side of the net forcing the interviewer to bend down, pick up the ball and serve again. That gets a little tiring and would be really boring to play or watch.

Instead of - answering the interviewer’s question with the answer, the whole answer and nothing but the answer.
Try - giving the answer and then bridging your answer to a topic that highlights your strengths.

Example:
Q. What social media sites do you feel are essential?
A. I really like working with twitter, facebook, linkedin, digg and several other of the popular sites. (Fine answer but don’t stop there!) I also work with a lot of the applications that simplify and aggregate content because I like to be as efficient and effective as possible. At my last job, I was able to increase the companies’ unique users by 40% in three months. (PAUSE - If there’s no sign that the interviewer wants to interrupt, add) - I know that this company prides itself on being transparent and I’d love to apply my skills toward your social media marketing. (I know this example might sound bogus to real social media folks but I hope you get the picture.)

Of course, you also need to be aware of talking TOO much! (I'll talk about that some other time)

3) Remember: They Really Want you to be Right for the Job:
When you send out hundreds of resumes and lose out on interview after interview, it’s very normal to get negative, discouraged and bitter. Trust me, I know. As an actor I probably got less than 1% of the roles I auditioned for. However, it’s very important not to bring that bitterness into the interview. One piece of advice that really resonated with a current client was something casting directors always say: They really want you to be good! Think of how much easier their job would be if they found the perfect candidate without a lot of hassle. Although it may not seem that way, it really is not in their best interest to call you in just to waste both of your time.

Instead of: Answering questions in a monotone voice that sounds like you’ve said the same thing a million times. (My clients were particularly struck by how their voices and vocal tone came across on video)
Try: Infusing your voice with energy and passion. Letting them know that you love what you do and can’t wait to do it for them.

Instead of: Getting defensive when they ask you about your experience.
Try: Feeling proud of everything you’ve done and grateful for the opportunity to share information that is going to prove how right you are for this position.

And remember you’re sizing them up too. Is this really a place you want to be for the next few years, few months or even few minutes? Remember to ask questions and check out their body language, strengths and personality.

For more tips and answers, leave me a comment here or on facebook or listen to my February 8th interview on Blogtalkradio
Happy Interviewing!

Why Obama Needs Me as a Speech Coach!

2011-01-12T16:35:00.000-05:00

After seeing the movie “The King’s Speech”, I was inspired to finally write something I’ve been wanting to write for several months. I want to coach President Obama on his speeches! President Obama is a great speaker. There’s no denying that. It’s partly why he is where he is today. So what the heck am I talking about? What could I do to improve on greatness? First of all, the oratory style that effectively swayed voters is not the same oratory style that he is using now. And even if it were, that style has its limitations. I know President Obama is extremely intelligent and I believe in his ideals and his leadership. But ever since he’s taken office, I’ve been dying to work with him on some of his oratory habits. Tiny habits that I believe make him less effective as a leader. Here are three things I would work with him on:

1) Cadence: A lot of people have trouble finding musicality in their voices and end up sounding monotone most of the time. Obama does not have that problem. He has plenty of musicality; however, it’s as if he keeps singing the same line of the same song over and over. Obama’s cadence is very predictable. When as listeners we hear the same cadence and rhythm over and over, it sounds like the speaker is being disingenuous and further more it’s hard for us to get a grasp on what he really wants to emphasize. (I’d also work on his whistling “s”)

What I would do: I would give him passionate speeches to read, record them and force him out of his normal rhythm. I would help him savor every word; Make him visualize and feel every word he was saying instead of thinking and intellectualizing them.

2) Facial Expression: For most of my clients, smiling is a challenge. I have to constantly remind them to, ever so often, turn up the corners of their mouth! Smiling is known to increase likeability and to engender trust but too much smiling can make you look like a fool or a snob. President Obama, has the “problem” of having a mouth that even in repose seems to look like it’s smiling. For a president, this is a detriment. When people are angry, depressed and fearful, they do not want to feel as though their president is not taking them seriously.

What I would do: I would work on all of Obama’s other features to have them express deeper emotion. I would show him how the way he tightens his lips after every sentence can accentuate the upturned corners of his mouth turn it into a smug smile. I would teach him how to communicate with his eyes and his brow line. I would help him to see that he tends to tilt his head as he speaks which is not nearly as powerful as if he were to keep it straight.

3) Posture: Standing and sitting up straight is something our mother’s and teacher’s constantly drilled into us. But sometimes that advice can backfire. Standing and sitting bone straight often makes people look stiff and aloof. These are two qualities that Americans don’t seem to appreciate in their leaders. We want leaders to be powerful AND approachable.

What I would do: I’m not suggesting Obama learn how to slump but I would encourage him, whenever appropriate to lean forward a little more. Having your heart center exposed and leaning toward the person (or camera) you’re talking to, makes your listener feel more engaged. So I’d have our president stand more on the balls of his feet and sit with his heart center coming forward and use arm gestures that emanate from his elbow with upward sweeping motions.

So please, if you happen to be speaking to the president or any of his people, can you tell him where to find me? If the King of England could hire and rely on a former actor who intuitively knew and then trained in how to help people improve their speech, surely the President of the United States could do the same. I’m ready, willing and able. It’s the least I could do for my country!

Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability | Video on TED.com

2011-01-03T16:16:00.000-05:00

Love this! Please watch!
Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability Video on TED.com

6 Unique Ways to Stand Out from the Crowd

2010-12-12T20:39:00.003-05:00

With tons of holiday parties to attend and maybe some new contacts to follow up with in the new year, what can you do to make sure you're winning people over? Most of us know it can take only 2 seconds for someone to decide whether they're "Impressed" with you or not. And almost 90% of that impression is made through your nonverbal communication - body language and vocal tone. The kicker stat is that it can take up to 12 visits to undo a negative first impression! There's a lot of advice out there about he handshake and the smile etc. but as important as I know a lot of these things are, I've listed 6 tips you may not know about!

Start before you open the door - Many of us walk into a room planning to scope out the situation and then adjust accordingly. By then it's usually too late. I say start visualizing yourself as a shining star before you even leave your house. Our impression is formed from the inside as well as from the outside. Before you walk through that door; read a series of affirmations, a list of positive adjectives or invent a super confident alter ego to do your dirty work.
Adjust your focus - It's super important to focus on how you are going to engage, communicate with or inspire the people in the room. Do NOT focus on what they are going to think about you!
Dress your strengths - What's the one quality about you that you just love? Make one style choice that reflects that quality. I recently attended a women's networking group in New York City and was one of 4 women out of 30 who was wearing COLOR. Yes, I was also wearing the ubiquitous black, but I threw on a bright red flowy rayon sweater that communicated both my passion and my easy going nature. Instead of dressing for success all the time, dress to Express.
Become a flasher - an EYEBROW flasher. By simply raising your eyebrows quickly upon entering a room, you signal that you are a friendly, positive person who is also excited and exciting. People will feel friendlier and warmer towards you.
Stand in your power - Posture speaks volumes. Yes, mom always told you to stand straight and there's something to that. However, you don't want to stand military straight cause that can be off-putting. Stand with your feet hip distance apart, a slight bend in your knees and your weight slightly forward. That gives you a solid base and pitches your body slightly towards the person you're addressing. And be sure to keep your torso fully visible. Folding your arms or any other gesture that covers your torso communicates insecurity. Comfortably displaying your torso shows your confident and trustworthy.
Channel your inner Barry White - The voice is the second most important part of an effective first impression. You can do all of the above and then open your mouth and totally blow it. Speak from the diaphragm and lower your pitch, that goes for men and women. Lower pitches automatically sound more authoritative and confident. Avoid up-speaking making everything a question and avoid speaking too softly or losing energy at the end of your sentences. for more about voice, I contributed to a recent article about the voice. Is Your Voice Annoying?

Practice all six of these techniques and I guarantee you'll be unforgettable! Let me know how it goes!!

How to Shine

2010-10-15T15:41:00.002-04:00

In order to truly shine, you need to get in touch with and celebrate what’s special about you.

When I work with people on interview skills and other communication skills, I usually start off by asking them to tell me about their strengths. Many people can't separate their core strengths from their job skills. And many others have never truly thought about the question. So many of us focus on the negative qualities we possess we become blind to all of our positive traits. When you get in touch with your positive qualities and infuse those qualities into everything you do - the way you walk, stand, dress and talk - not only will people will begin to take notice, but you will feel more authentic, vital and confident.

6 Steps to Bringing Out the Best in You!

Survey Yourself! I highly recommend taking the VIAcharacter survery at http://www.viacharacter.org./ It ‘s a free survey developed by a team of well noted psychologists (including Martin Seligman) who are behind the study of Positive Psychology and The Happiness Project. This survey will identify your top five character strengths out of a list of 24 strengths. (my top 5 are creativity, spirituality, wisdom, social intelligence and leadership.)
Create Stories! Once you’ve identified your strengths by either deep soul searching, asking friends or associates or taking the VIA survey, start thinking of stories in your life that illustrate those strengths. How did you use your strength to bring about a change? How do you use your strengths on a daily bases? Use these stories as a basis for your elevator pitch or job interview responses.
Express yourself! Take a dance class, acting or improvisation class, sing Karaoke, paint, draw, sculpt, write! Whenever we do something creative (even if creativity isn’t one of our top strengths) one of our signature strengths will jump out to guide us through it – if we let it. You don’t have to worry about doing these things “right” you’re doing them to further get in touch with and express your signature strengths.
Speak your strengths. What people react to most in a person’s individual communication style is consistency; does the way you look and sound match the words you are using. Adopt vocabulary and nonverbal skills that reflect your top strengths: If “hope” comes up big for you, try using phrases like “I hope to see you soon,” “I have high hopes for this project.” Be sure your voice has lightness to it and your body language is open.
Dress your strengths. Probably since creativity is high on my list, I personally have an enormous wardrobe. I try to create a style that reflects the strength I’m going to utilize on any particular day. I'm not suggesting running out and buying lots of close, just be mindful that your clothes usually speak first so make sure they communicate a quality you'd like to lead with.
Appreciate your strengths. Everyday express gratitude for the special combination of strengths you’ve been given. At the end of the day, write down what you're thankful for and which of your strengths pulled you through any challenge or activity that you succeeded at.

Follow these steps and I guarantee you will not only learn to shine but be a lot happier doing it.

Afraid to Sing Your Own Praises?

2010-09-07T18:04:00.000-04:00

Do you hesitate when it's time to talk about your strengths or the benefits of your product or service? Just last week I was sitting at a table of professional coaches and therapists and when a discussion started about this topic, people still voiced the fear that telling someone your strengths was like bragging and it felt uncomfortable. This is a common issue for people,whether it's about answering questions at a job interview or pitching your product or services - people often equate promoting themselves with boasting. THIS HAS GOT TO STOP! There is a difference and hopefully I can make it clear in this blog post.

I find one of the most important ways to overcome "fear of singing your praises" or “fear of pitching” is to shift your focus. Most of us focus on what a potential client or interviewer can do for us and less on what we can do for them. Focusing on what they can do for us makes us nervous and self conscious and taps into the “Are we good enough?” mindset. We get hung up on “Are we saying, doing the right thing to make the sale?” "Are we saying or doing the right thing to make them like me?" Are we overselling ourselves, underselling ourselves? Instead, we should ask, “Are we saying, doing the right thing to show how excited we are about helping them.” And yes, as a job prospect, your focus should be on helping them (the company). People do like to hire people that they like. However, they also want to hire people who will help their bottom line.

Ask yourself what I ask my clients; what value do you provide? I don’t mean what experience or education you've had or what product or service you offer or how your product or service makes people’s lives better. Most of us have learned to answer those questions. What I like to find out is why you want to be the one to provide that particular product or service. Why, faced with two people with similar resumes, should I hire you and not the other candidate? Answering the “why you” question gets you in touch with the passion behind why you do what you do and that is something nobody can judge or dispute.

Talking about how passionate you are about your strengths and skills, is not unlike the common communication strategy of using “I” language in difficult conversations. When you use “I” language, you tell people how you personally feel which makes it difficult for the person you are talking to to be offended or become defensive. Similarly, when you tell a potential client or employer how passionately you feel about your business or your skills, it’s difficult for that potential client or employer to criticize, judge or feel pressured.

There is a huge difference between talking to someone because you want to SELL something or WANT something from them and talking to someone because you are passionate about HELPING them. It’s why we have an easier time promoting our friends - we aren’t focused on getting the sale or the job but on sharing information we believe in.

There are other strategies for improving our ability to confidently sing our own praises:

Asking for feedback from current clients or friends who believe in what you do;
Working with a coach to develop confident body language and vocal and verbal messaging;
Videotaping yourself practicing various pitches or interview questions till you feel comfortable.

But I feel the most important strategy is shifting your focus off of what you want to get from people and on to what you want to give.

NO MORE MR/MS. NICE GUY!!

2010-08-16T19:55:00.000-04:00

We all want to be liked, right? And we’ve been told since childhood that in order to be liked, we have to be nice. But, I’ve recently discovered that many of my clients sacrifice effective leadership skills by trying to be too nice. Now, don’t get me wrong I’m not advocating becoming a super &%#@!! but what I am advocating is for you to be authentic.

I was recently coaching a client who had a good management job in a well respected corporation. He was extremely capable, talented and very NICE. His superiors wanted him to get communication coaching because he came across as a little unresponsive when interacting with clients and had a serious “whatever-ing” problem.

As I started working with him, I found out that he had been a competitive athlete. That got me thinking. Where was the edge? Where was the aggression? A person doesn’t usually spend a lifetime being competitive and then suddenly turn into a teddy bear. As I continued to probe, he admitted that he was working hard to “fit in” to the corporate culture by being “nice.” I totally understood his dilemma but unfortunately, the result was that he was only bringing 75% of himself to the job.

It is important to get along with others but if in doing that, you are not utilizing your core strengths then everybody loses. What he was doing was holding back opinions and comments because he didn’t want people to think he wasn’t nice. The result? He had turned into a generic manager clone; capable but not interesting. Nice but not powerful. That’s why he came off as unresponsive with clients because he was afraid to express his true opinions. And that’s why he resorted to the “whatever” tone – he was not comfortable expressing all that he had to express.

I gave him language choices and techniques to help him express his opinion and feedback in a assertive, supportive non aggressive way. I gave him techniques on how to acknowledge other people’s opinions in order to create room for him to express his own I also worked with him on different techniques to bring more power and passion to his vocal tone. Will this turn him into an ogre or tyrant? Not at all, it will allow the him to bring 100% of himself to work instead of 75%. That will be more comfortable for him and much more interesting for his coworkers.

Rules of Engagement

2010-06-22T17:04:00.002-04:00

How many times have people come up to you at a networking event and launched into a monologue about what it is that they do? It's happened all too often to me. Research has shown tht it can take up to 12 visits to undo a negative first impression so if you turn off someone at a networking event, you may never get another chance to impress them. This is especially important for all of you network markerters out there. Because if you happen to meet a perspective client who has had a negative experience with someone else selling the same product or service as you, you'll have a much harder time engaging that person. So... let's talk about engagement. How do you like to be approached at a networking event? What are things that make you want to continue a relationship with the people you meet? For me, it's about how well they are able to engage me; make me interested, not just in their business but in them as a person.

One of the first rules of engagement is to ask questions:. BUT the most common question we hear at these events is: What do you do? That question is asked because we think that's what we're there to do. Find out what everyone does. And to a large extent that's true but that question is a trap! It leads to boring and awkward moments - unless you know how to answer it. The problem is, as soon as we hear that question we feel like we have to answer it right away. But answering it right away paints us right into a little box. Oh.... you're a life coach? A financial advisor... a... blah, blah, blah..And we actually hate putting ourselves into little boxes so the answer is usually given quickly and uninterestingly. Guess what? Just because someone asks you a question, it doesn't mean you HAVE to answer it right away! Think of yourself like a politician! Do they ever give straight answers?

I like to answer that question with a statement of some kind that gets people engaged first, then I'll tell them what I do. For example I'll say:. "I am passionate about improving the art of face to face communication.... I'm a communication coach and trainer. OR "You know over 90% of communication is not about the words we use?" I work with people to improve their nonverbal behavior skills. I'm a communication skills.....

Once the initial nicities are out of the way, it's still important to ask questions. Recently, I've been asked some pretty interesting ones, like, " What made you interested in teaching communication skills" "What's you're most memorable client experience?" These are questions that force the person to dig a little deeper for the answer. And the answer will reveal more about the person than the normal facts about their business. Asking questions like that also says a lot about the person asking the question. It immediately makes them seem more interesting and interested. Other questions in that vein: What gets you excited about your work? What do you like most about what you do? Can you think of any others?

It's amazing what engagement will do to a conversation. It gets us out of that rut of reciting our title and job description which usually comes out sounding canned and boring. Let me know ways of engaging that work for you. I'll be posting some other engagement techniques soon!

WHATEVER...

2010-06-07T09:45:00.000-04:00

Remember when that expression was all the rage. “What..Ever”! Well, I’ve been working with a lot of really wonderful, successful and interesting people lately but many of them use a tone of voice that I have dubbed “Whatevering…” It’s a tone that sounds like the speaker is bored out of their mind with what they are saying and is sure that what they are saying will bore the listener. Guess what? It usually does. It’s hard to describe the tone but you know it when you hear it. There’s a certain consistent rhythm to each sentence and it usually starts at a low pitch, hits one or two high pitches in the middle then drops to a very low pitch and low volume at the end. Sometimes "Whatevering" is mixed with "Upspeaking" to produce a combination of boredom and lack of confidence. A dangerous combination! There are many reasons people fall into this pattern and many ways they can rid themselves of it. However, one of the surest ways is to value what it is you have to say and think about your conversation as a gift. If you are engaging someone in conversation or presenting them with information, think about what it is that you are sharing with your listener(s), have confidence that what you are sharing has value and concentrate on how what you are sharing will impact the listener’s life. This will not only energize your voice, but it will energize everything else about you so that you look forward to all your communication. No matter what it is that you have to communicate, you can discover the value in it. Give it generously and enthusiastically like you would any gift you feel is valuable and I guarantee you that your voice will begin to communicate that value and “whatevering” will be a thing of the past.

Reach Out and Touch!

2010-04-07T23:39:00.000-04:00

In my training and coaching, I talk a lot about nonverbal communication: body language, gestures, facial expressions and vocal tone. However, I’ve recently become aware of another form of nonverbal communication that we tend to overlook – and that is physical contact. The New York Times recently published an article by Benedict Carey about the power of touch and what researchers have discovered.

“Momentary touches, they say — whether an exuberant high five, a warm hand on the shoulder, or a creepy touch to the arm — can communicate an even wider range of emotion than gestures or expressions, and sometimes do so more quickly and accurately than words.”

Interesting, huh? The fact is that 40% of the population is most comfortable using a kinesthetic learning channel; which means they communicate more effectively through touch and feelings as opposed to, sight and sound. Touch, the article explains, is the first language we learn. No wonder it holds so much sway. Messages communicated through touch can immediately affect the way people think and act.

“Students who received a supportive touch on the back or arm from a teacher were nearly twice as likely to volunteer in class as those who did not. A sympathetic touch from a doctor leaves people with the impression that the visit lasted twice as long, compared with estimates from people who were untouched.”

In other research sited in, The Definitive Book of Body Language, just brushing someone’s hand can create rapport and increase positive feelings and a light tap on the elbow has been found to increase a person’s chances of getting what they want by 3 fold.

Of course, in this day and age of sexual harassment suits, no one’s suggesting you go around caressing and embracing everyone you meet or work with. However, think about adding a light tap on the elbow, a brush on the hand or a light pat on the back to your communication. It can make a real difference in the way people perceive you, relate to you and respond to your requests.

Change Your Voice, Change Your Life

2010-03-14T22:02:00.000-04:00

I love those special moments when I'm teaching and I get chills because I just witnessed someone make a huge transformation right before my eyes. It happens most often when I'm working with someone on their voice. It happened the other night as I taught a small class at Fashion Institute of Technology. I often do an exercise where I have students/clients read and interpret a short speech from a famous movie or by a famous politician. As I worked with a very shy young woman, I coached her to use her diaphragm, and feel the words of Martin Luther King. On her second or third try, the soft, timid, monotone was replaced by a strong, solid, passion filled oratory. We saw her body fill with confidence, her eyes begin to shine and I knew that she had suddenly touched a part of herself that she didn't know she possessed. It was priceless. I love that a simple physical shift can have such a profound effect.

Meetings: Can They SEE What You're Saying?

2010-02-10T18:45:00.000-05:00

Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote “What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say.”

How true! Because we humans still possess remnants of our old reptilian brains - the part of the brain that deals with instinct, our first reaction to people or situations is usually based on visual cues. Given the choice between visual and verbal information, our brains will believe the visual over the verbal. That is why it is so important to be acutely aware of behavior that will send the wrong message.

This was clear to me at a meeting I once attended. The meeting was being conducted by high level administrators of a city agency, Agency A. The purpose of the meeting was to introduce information about a program that was being instituted to ease friction between Agency A and another agency, Agency B. Agency A has always been perceived as being in the position of power and has usually communicated with Agency B in an authoritarian and judgmental manner. On the dais in the front of the room sat five high level administrators from Agency A. Crowded around in a u-shaped table arrangement were about 30 plus staffers from Agency B. Tension was high. Old baggage filled the air. The new initiative was unclear to some, suspect to others. I was in charge of creating a training module to help make communication between these two agencies more effective. What I saw made me realize that my task would be an uphill climb. As one of the administrators proceeded to speak, I observed several things he “did” loudly that made what he “said” difficult to hear.

Problem 1: The gentleman was leaning very far back with one arm draped over the back of his chair. My instinctual brain read that posture as being aloof, uncaring and much too casual.

Fix: A more effective position would have been to sit slightly forward with his chest/ “heart center” open and directed toward his listeners showing interest and openness.

Problem 2: His eyes were either on his paper or on one or two spots in the back of the room.

Fix: Since the listeners were spread out in a u-shape all around him, it would have been more effective to scan the room, giving 5-10 seconds of eye contact to each section of the audience.

Problem 3: Most egregious of all – HE WASCHEWING GUM! As he laid out the new policies for improved relationships between the agencies, he was performing an activity that most teachers and parents drummed into us as being the height of rudeness. I could only imagine how instinctively turned-off some of the staffers from Agency B must have felt.

Fix: If you don’t know, ask your mom!

In addition to the visual cues, the vocal cues were not much better.

Problem 4: He spoke in a slow low pitched monotone.
Fix: Vary your vocal pitch, rhythm and volume. There is musicality in the English language. Find it. The sound and tone of your voice is the second most important factor in delivering effective communication.

Problem 5: He used language riddled with jargon.
Fix: Even if you believe 99% of the people in the room understand your acronyms and jargon, spend some time breaking it down for the 1% who may not.

Was this a rude, uncaring, arrogant man? Or was he a man unaware of how loudly his behavior was speaking? I eventually learned that he was the latter- a tech savvy, hard-working individual with good intentions and poor presentation skills.

However, it can take as many as 12 encounters to undo a negative first impression. Not too many people are going to be willing to give anyone 12 chances to change their opinion. In this day and age, with opportunities for face to face communication becoming rarer and rarer, it’s time for all of us to become more aware of the things we are doing that drown out the things we are saying

Words for the Wise

2010-01-14T16:58:00.000-05:00

Even though over 90% of communication is non-verbal, the words we choose to use are still extremely important in creating our Verbal Essence. A large majority of the population is visually oriented. Hence Aristotle's quote: "The soul never thinks without a mental image." Whether your selling someone on an idea or just trying to clarify a point, it's very helpful to use language that will help the listener form a picture in their minds. In addition to choosing visual words, it's important to stay away from words that rob your conversation of its power and impact.

Words to Lose
1) It’s interesting how many of my clients use the words “Maybe” and “I think” before they express an opinion they hold strongly or before they say something positive about themselves. It weakens whatever comes after it. Instead use words like – I believe, I know , I am.. or just state the opinion.
Example: “I think I’m really good at helping my clients reach their financial goals” vs. “I’m a real cheerleader for my clients and 70% of them reach their goals within the first year.”

2) Get rid of your “but” – We all have the habit of stating a positive thought or expression and connecting it with the word but. That negates the positive nature of the original statement. The listener doesn’t hear or believe the positive statement and will concentrate instead on the negative statement that comes after the but. That goes for self-talk as well. How many times do we say to ourselves, “That was a good interview but…. I wish I had….” Our brain doesn’t acknowledge the “nice interview” part. We obsess over what comes after the but.

3) Lose the word “Not” whenever possible. Especially during a sales pitch and in self-talk. There is psychological evidence that our brains do not process negative words. In other words, when we say we are not going to do something, our brain dismisses the word not and absorbs the rest of the sentence.
For example. If I tell you NOT to think of a fresh, moist, slice of rich chocolate cake… what image pops into your head. So instead of talking about what you are not going to do, rephrase the sentence to express what you are going to do instead.

4) Other words to lose are the generic words that have lost all real meaning. Like – “great” ,“nice” “fine”, “like” They are like empty calorie foods. They take up space but don’t really do anything to help your listener understand how you really feel about anything. So instead of saying what a “great” job somebody did, talk about how the specific task that the person accomplished showed how organized, forward thinking or persistent they were.

5) Words to Choose: The 12 most persuasive words based on a YALE study: You, Money, Save, New, Results, Help, Easy, Safety, Love, Proven, Guarantee, Discovery. Try them out the next time you do a sales presentation.

Communication Overload?

2010-01-06T19:27:00.000-05:00

This holiday season, I really felt that I needed to give my brain a real vacation away from my business. As an entrepreneur, it's me and my business 24/7. Maybe I should have chosen not to check my email. But because I have a blackberry, I was constantly aware of emails coming in, people posting on facebook and linkedin and new twitter followers. Everytime I picked up the phone and saw some activity, I felt a small twang of guilt. Shouldn't I be doing something too? Shouldn't I be sending out holiday newsletters, blogging, tweeting? But what about the mental vacation I so desperately needed?? I stuck by my decision not to work but was it really a vacation? Not at all. Because I was working hard. Working at managing all the guilt and all the "Shoulds." that came from my not working. I also spent time wondering if my guilt was a result of a poor business attitude? Do I have a problem with being productive? We all struggle with whether we could/should be doing more but... Is it possible to do too much?

I am all about communication. I work hard to help people make their communication more effective. But can we Overcommunicate?? Are we sending, receiving, expecting too much from electronic communication? There are now business owners who send out daily newsletters. WHY? Why do I need to hear from someone everyday? Just wondering? Most people I speak to about this agreed that they felt overwhelmed by the amount of "electronic communication" they receive but it's become a kind of addiction. How many times do we pick up the phone anymore? How many meaningful face to face meetings do we engage in? I'm embarrased to admit that I fall prey to this myself. Last night, I emailed a close friend of mine because I had a question for her. I repeatedly checked my email to see if she had replied. She didn't. This morning I woke up realizing that I never even thought of picking up the phone. The thought never crossed my mind!! How sad is that? And this is a close friend. All this social media and electronic communication is efficient and effective but I really would love to champion two things: 1) sanctioned, guiltfree downtime. and 2)more face to face communication.

Let me know what you think.

(Photo "Mail" by Claire Olivia Moed)

Shame, Shame, Shame...

2009-12-15T11:38:00.000-05:00

I love with this book! I also love the fact that I may never have heard of it if someone hadn't left it in my laundry room. So thanks neighbor!

In "I Thought It Was Just Me", Brene Brown focuses on shame and particularly women's relationship to shame. She writes: "Shame is about the fear of disconnection... We are afraid that we've exposed or revealed a part of us that jeopardizes our connection and our worthiness of acceptance." And before you stop reading this post, know that we all live with a certain amount of shame and most of us are too ashamed to even read or think about it. What I've learned from Ms. Brown is that NOT dealing with shame/acknowledging it and working through it can be crippling and dangerous. I began reading this book right after a relative of mine committed a totally unexpected suicide. I truly believe, his decision to end his life was closely related to his inability to deal with and process things he felt ashamed of. This book elucidates everything about shame (and so many other important issues) beautifully in ways that are clear, powerful and very easy to understand.

How does this relate to communication? As Brene articulately illustrates, shame often causes us to judge ourselves, and as a result others, harshly. She writes, "If, for example, we judge ourselves harshly and are incapable or unwilling to acknowledge our own emotions, we will struggle in our relationships with others. If we make a mistake and our self talk is, "I'm so stupid, I can't do anything right," then we are more likely to turn to our child or partner who has made a mistake and convey the same feelings... "

Brene also tell us that shame can cause us to put up what she calls "Shame Screens", behind which we engage in communication or lack of communication that is specifically designed by us to mask our shame. Needless to say, Shame Screens don't work and contribute to many ineffective and unauthentic communication habits. While reading this book, I've become so keenly aware of areas in my life where I carry shame. Will the shame in those areas ever go away? Probably not. But as Brene suggests, we can all benefit by developing Shame Resilience and this book and Brene's website, http://www.brenebrown.com/ helps us to do that. So go... read... enjoy... discover... become shame resilient.

On Your Mark, Get Set, PUNDIT!

2009-11-23T16:34:00.000-05:00

The Washington Post ran an America’s Next Great Pundit contest. Check it out! www.washingtonpost.com/pundit
When I looked at pictures of the two finalists I immediately had a bias. One was a white male, the other a woman of color. I thought to myself, I could cast my vote right now. After all we don’t we have more than enough, young-ish white males throwing around their views and opinions? But I wanted to be fair and I know that you can’t judge a pundit by its headshot. So I went through and read a bunch of the blogs, Op-eds and Q&A’s that these two pundit wannabe’s had posted.

The writing by our two finalists was fine, but to me, the woman of color, Zeba Khan, seemed to have a huge breadth of knowledge and opinions and covered a wide array of topics. She had a very clear and sophisticated, no nonsense style and though she was criticized for not being engaging enough, her writing reflected a lot of self –reflection and unique ideas. The male contestant, to me, relied on wit, sarcasm and glibness to such an extent that he obfuscated his actual opinion. I came away from reading his pieces thinking, “but what does he really think?” I get enough confusing messages from my friends, family and the media. I don’t need any more mixed messages, thank you very much.

I also watched a video interview with the last three pundits standing. Since I’m so all about presentation that was really important to me. I was surprised to see that the recently eliminated third runner up, Courtney Martin, was someone whom I’ve met a couple of times and is a friend of a good friend. She’s a great young feminist writer but fell a little short on the relate-ability scale.

But let’s go to the videotape. In my opinion, the interviewer/host from the Washington Post, did not do that great of a job with his questioning. Lots of ums and uhs and many of the questions were too long and too shallow. There was a separate video where the host gave each of the three contestants feedback. I have to point out my favorite part of that was the fact that before he commented on their performance, he repeated a version of my mantra - that in television it’s not just what you say but how you look and sound when you say it.

So how did they look and sound? To be honest, none of the three wishful pundits were very engaging or interesting to me. Kevin Huffman, our guy, came across as someone who deserved to be there. He wore a slightly smug smile and used effective body language (sitting very upright, legs apart, not crossed - taking up a lot of space. Hands in lap - tented not folded. He kept his answers short which made them seem weightier than they actually were. He also used a vocal tone that said I know what I’m talking about and I don’t really care if you agree with me or not. Very pundit-esque.

Both of the women had legs crossed and hands folded like good school girls. They gave thoughtful, if more wordy comments, so the host interrupted them more often than he did the male. They breathed a little less frequently which communicates a kind of anxiety to get a point across. And - I have to say- Courtney could really use my vocal workout CD. She has that higher pitched “Younger Generation” voice that is a tad nasal and can be very grating on the ear and can also be hard to take seriously.

Zeba, on the other hand, though her voice was on the high side, it had some resonance to it and she spoke with a tone of authority. She sounded earnest, thoughtful and had a great weight about her answers. (The host thought she should smile more and I kind of agree but I believe that people’s presentation style should be true to their natures and Zeba has a no-nonsense way about her which is in itself engaging. So who did I vote for? I went with my original gut choice, and am proud to say that it was not based solely on her being a woman of color. I voted for Zeba because she was a woman of substance, intellect and has a broad base of knowledge.

I usually try to shy away from the “we was wronged” game, but if the male wins, I’ll have to wonder: Are the judges and voters so used to glib white guy standard for pundits, that we have no tolerance or acceptance for anything else? Can’t wait for the results!!

Face to Face Communication Revolution!

2009-11-13T23:01:00.000-05:00

I'm just getting into the social networking scene and it is pretty neat and awesome and effective. However, we have to remember that nothing can replace face to face communication. Human beings are visual and aural creatures. Based on the well-known study by Professor Albert Mehrabian, body language and vocal tone contribute to more than 90% of communication's effectiveness - two elements that cannot be experienced via blackberry, email or any other social media. Face to face communication is essential for creating connection, trust and loyalty. Several studies have discovered that people (men AND women ) take action based primarily on their emotions. It is extremely difficult to engage someone emotionally through written communication. Written communication is excellent for laying out logical information, which is important, but cannot take the place of face to face interaction in conveying emotion. No matter how much the human race has evolved, our brains still rely on our instinct to assess danger, trust and honesty. It's important to be able look into a person's eyes, hear the sound of their voice, see the confidence, or lack thereof, in their bodies in order to feel comfortable making major business decisions. There is also an exchange of palpable physical energy that takes place when people are in the same room with each other, an energy that cannot be replicated through video or teleconferencing. So join me in my campaign to not only celebrate and bring back face to face communication but let's raise it to a high art form!

It Stands to Reason

2009-11-09T14:14:00.000-05:00

I just read an article in the November 9, Newsweek about the difference in cognitive growth, (basic language and speaking skills) of children whose parents reason with them and those whose parents command them. WOW!! I've been talking about these differences for quite awhile. When I work with supervisors in some of my leadership communication training. I often get the question: "Why can't I just tell them what to do? It's their job and I'm their boss." I usually tell them that of course they can demand obedience from their subordinate staff members but that it will come at a price. Usually the price is bad attitude; lack of motivation; unconscious or conscious sabotage; high turnover; increase in sick days; and the list goes on. Of course, some supervisors have the luxury of firing workers who exhibit those habits. But then, many employees these days are so protected by their unions that firing is not an option. This of course could lead to a conversation about how the unions have empoyers by the short hairs. But maybe it should lead to a conversation about how to develop leaders to adopt are more reasonable (compassionate) style of communication. Instead of demanding, ordering or even instructing something be done, why not try explaining the reasoning and the need behind it. It may on the surface look like it will take more time, but in actuality, it may save time, energy, stress, hard feelings, disciplinary warnings and pink slips. This of course does NOT mean to become a doormat and allow the employee to run the show by debating all of your requests. It simply means giving the employee sound reasoning behind your decisions. If the employee still wants to buck a request which you believe will improve your work place, bottom line or organization, then it's time to dust off the disciplinary code book. There are still many employees (and children) who have no problem doing just what they are told but I believe that these individuals might be happier and more productive if they were treated as though their imput and opinions mattered.

Total Body Enthusiasm

2009-11-07T18:04:00.000-05:00

I recently saw a presentation where the speaker spoke about enthusiasm but failed to speak enthusiastically. That prompted me to think about how enthusiasm is communicated. It’s not always enough to believe in what we have to say. Because so much of our communication is non-verbal, we have to be able to SHOW listeners how much we believe in what we're saying if we truly want them to be engaged. Below are three tips for cranking up your enthusiasm quotient the next time you need to present.

1) FLUFF AURAS - Using your hands in an upward motion while you speak serves two purposes. It makes you look animated AND it has the added benefit of actually raising the energy in the room. I once heard it referred to as, fluffing your listener’s aura.

PRACTICE: Stand in front of a full length mirror. Make sure the arms are relaxed and slightly bent at the elbows, hands are open and facing upwards as well. Keep your gestures about your waist and coming from your heart center.

2) HIT THE SCALES – The vocal scales that is. We all know that monotone voices are the kiss of death. When you want to pump up the enthusiasm - pump up the volume and the variety. Think of your words and phrases like individual notes of music and sing! The most important words are the high notes the less important ones might be lower notes. Some phrases might come out soft and melodic, some might come out bright and bouncy.

PRACTICE - Find a poem, a song lyric or a well crafted speech. Choose the most important words in each sentence, then record yourself “singing” the selection several different ways. Exaggerate at first just so that your voice gets used to variety. And don’t forget to pause. Pauses are important parts of all music and all communication.

3) SMILE… This seems like a no brainer but you’d be surprised how quickly nerves can wipe a smile right off your face. Before you start a presentation or a pitch of any kind, remind yourself to smile. Write a note to yourself or draw a picture. And be sure to smile with your whole being. We all know how to turn the corners of our mouths up in the shape of a smile. However, it’s important to engage your eyes and your soul as well. PRACTICE: Look in a mirror. Imagine your closest, funniest or most supportive friend sitting across from you. Or imagine being in the most beautiful vacation spot in the world. What do your eyes do? What muscles in your cheeks are working? Keep practicing and remember that feeling the next time you need to sound enthusiastic!

Finally, one of the most effective ways to sound enthusiastic is to come from a place of contribution. Before you begin any speech, pitch or conversation, try to think about what you would like to give the other person. How you would like to connect with them, help them, inspire, or enlighten them. How you would like them to feel better, happier, safer, more informed, more connected, after hearing what you have to say. If you use the three tips above and come from a place of contribution you'll be sure to leave your listener wanting more.

It's Not WHAT We Say...

2009-11-04T22:34:00.000-05:00

Funny, the recent poll I just ran... okay so not that many people took it BUT..... the results were unanimous. People wanted most to improve the words they chose. Funny because.... the words we use account for only 7% of our messages effectiveness. 7%!!!! That's not to say that the words we use aren't important. BUT.... the way we sound and the way we look are even more important. Case in point. There was a facinating article in the New York Times recently http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/12/business/global/12iht-speech.html?_r=1&emc=eta1 It spoke about how all over Japan, CD's and videos of Obama's speeches were all the rage.... These speeches are being played all over Japan, in homes, shops and businesses. And they are being played by people who don't even understand English!!The times article states; "...there was a sincerity about Mr. Obama’s speaking style that listeners could perceive phonetically, combined with a delivery that was almost musical..... That seems to result in sensation, the kind of which you get from listening to good music,” So it doesn't really matter that they can't understand the actual words. Some of these listeners are moved to tears simply from hearing his intonation, rhythm and stress. Wouldn't it be fabulous if we could have that effect on people - in a language that they actually understand? The Times went on to say: " Other observers say that Japanese buyers probably feel as though they understand his speeches just from the nonverbal cues." which illustrates just how important our nonverbal cues are! When we can make our nonverbal cues consistant with our verbal cues we are truly communicating !

Communicating Across Differences

2009-10-07T13:20:00.000-04:00

The other day I saw an amazing communication on the NYC Subway. I was headed uptown. The train was crowded enough that I had to stand, but not the suffocating type of crowded that makes you question your sanity. A very tall African American man started walking through the car. Let me pause to let everyone know that I am African American. Anyway, this tall gentleman had the distinct body language of someone who wanted some kind of interaction/altercation. And for those of you who may question this observation, don't. I'm really good at body language and don't make these assumption lightly. As this same man passed by me, my umbrella touched him and he jerked around to stare. I, being the well seasoned New Yorker, did not make eye-contact and I felt him decide that he wasn't going to pursue that particular altercation possibility. As he walked by, I eyed him carefully, wondering, dreading, who he was going to "mess with” cause I and everyone else in the car knew, he wanted to "mess with” someone. Most of the other riders in the car, did what I had done earlier and focused their eyes anywhere but in his direction. All except one. A slightly vertically challenged Caucasian guy stood balanced in front of the subway car door facing in. The black guy stopped and stood directly in front of him. Facing him, staring at him. If the white guy looked down, he'd be staring at the man's crotch. If he tried to look any other place, it would be far too obvious that he was avoiding eye-contact and that would smack of fear and vulnerability. I sucked in my breath. I dreaded what might happen next. BUT, before the black guy could say anything or send out too many hostile vibes, the white guy, noticing the black guy's cap said: "Bronco's fan?" And what do you suppose the black guy did? He began to grin from ear to ear. He raised his arms, and did a little dance around the car. The riders who'd been avoiding eye contact, started to look up and smile. He let out a whoop about the Broncos and he and the white guy engaged in a passionate discussion about football, Denver and the recent game. The subway reached its next stop, the black guy got off but not before giving the white guy a high five and parting advice about his team. I felt like I had witnessed one of the most compelling demonstrations of the basic idea behind Nonviolent Communication. (NVC)(NVC) believes that people take action based on universal human needs. Sometimes these needs lead to positive actions, sometimes they lead to negative actions but the person is just trying to get a basic need met and will use any strategy available. I feel like this African American man had the need for connection. He wanted to connect to another human being badly. One strategy he was used to using was intimidation but that day, on that subway, a very confident, compassionate (or perhaps naïve) individual offered him another way to connect by offering him conversation about a shared interest.

The white guy and I got off at the same stop. I hadn’t realized it, but his girlfriend had been in the same subway car seated across from him. They got off chatting as though nothing unusual had occurred. I wanted to say something. Ask him how conscious the decision he made had been? Let him know how impressed I was with his ability to deflect a potentially uncomfortable encounter into a conversation. But I didn't. I didn't want to draw attention to something that had seemed so natural to him. I just hope that I can remember and learn from that example.

The Sounds of Obama

2009-09-25T16:14:00.000-04:00

The other morning, I was listening to National Public Radio (NPR) and they played excerpts from three different speeches that President Obama had made the day before. Three speeches on the same day and the what struck me was that each speech SOUNDED completely different. When he spoke at the Middle East press conference, his voice was strong, direct, no nonsense and, according to the NPR radio announcer, scolding. When he spoke at the Bill Clinton dinner, his pace was lilting, slower filled with carefully placed and lengthy pauses. You could hear him smiling. Then in the snippet played from a United Nations address, we heard pure old fashion oratory style - the slight sing song, the measured tone, the predictable rhythm. One man, one day, many voices.

Why does he do that? The sound and tone of your voice contributes 38% to the effectiveness of your communication. We wouldn't wear a swim suit to a banquet or a ball gown to a beach party. Every audience, every subject, every situation should warrant a slight adjustment to a speakers tone or style in order for communication to be the most effective. I marvelled at the skill Obama demonstrated on that one day. I hope we all take a lesson from his playbook and continually add to and adjust our vocal repertoire.

Emmy Speeches: Winners and Losers

2009-09-21T13:27:00.000-04:00

I watched the entire broadcast of the Emmy awards last night for the pure entertainment value. As I went to bed however, I asked myself to reflect on the show from my professional viewpoint. Which speech really stood out? Which presenter or winner was the most memorable and why? At first my mind went blank. Of course Neil Patrick Harris as the host was memorable. But after him, the only person that popped into my head right away was Ricky Gervais. After a little more mental escavation, my mind brought up Jessica Lange. Why these two? I'm actually writing a book on this very topic. Ricky Gervais was memorable to me because he was so clearly playing up and playing into his type. Some people might say he was "being himself." Not knowing Mr. Gervais, I can't assume that. What I can assume, is that he has become an expert at presenting aspects of himself that are consistent with his inate type (a comic/curmudgeon).

When people are able to identify and use their inate type(s) to their advantage, they automatically make the listener (or watcher in this case) say... "yeah, I get you." That doesn't mean that the listener will always like you... but they'll get you and they will most likely remember you. Same with Jessica Lange. To me, Jessica Lange, even as she's aged, embodies the Leading Lady/Ingenue type. Honest, commanding, straightforward, yet still innocent and sweet. Last night she did not feel the need to cover up that innocence and sweetness with any over dramatic "meaningful" acceptance speech. (unlike Glenn Close) That is why I believe her speech was affecting and memorable for all the right reasons.

On the other side, were the memorable for the wrong reasons. The afore mentioned Ms. Close. In all honesty, I can not comment on her speech because her first few lines made me realize that it was time for me to leave the room to take care of something. Surprisingly enough, when I came back, seemingly several minutes later, she was still talking. In my book, I have typed Ms. Close as a leading lady/villain. Villian's are, pardon the pun, a necessary evil. I think all Villains need to embrace that part of their nature at all times. I believe Ms. Close presented herself as a leading lady period and left her Villainous qualities at the door (until the very end of her speech). That makes me, as a listener, feel that she's not being totally sincere. My second "loser" speech of the night was Patricia Arquette for so many reasons. Ms. Arquette was clearly uncomfortable be it because of her clothes or because she hates public speaking. Whatever the case, I say use it! If you're uncomfortable come right out and say it or maybe turn down the offer. I'd love to hear which speeches you remembered and why.

Pause Perfect

2009-09-19T15:21:00.000-04:00

Listening to Michelle Obama speak about health care, I couldn't help notice how well she used the power of the pause. Pausing makes everything you say, so much more powerful, important and understandable. So take a lesson from the first lady. Well there are a lot of lessons that can be taken from the first lady but as far as her presentation skills, this lesson is invaluable.

http://video.aol.com/aolvideo/AOL News/michelle-obama-us-health-care-is-unacceptable/40905123001

Temper Temper!!

2009-09-13T19:36:00.000-04:00

Okay.... so was Serena Williams right or was she wrong to verbally abuse a tennis line umpire during the semi-finals of the U.S. Open. I don't believe anyone is ever "right" to turn to verbal abuse. Do I understand her frustration? Totally. During a match of that nature, with a score as it was an a fault so minimal... was the umpire "right"? As I watched what transpired, I felt a little sick. An Asian official and an African American celebrity. I feared what the media would turn this into. It's sad to me that the expression of extreme emotion between two ethnic minorities brings up that fear in me. When John McEnroe had his outbursts, I had no such fears. But that's another issue.

In my opinion, Serena's outburst was irresponsible and unprofessional. No, it may not have been fair but let's face it, life has never been fair. But people and especially celebrities can not continue to rationalize their "acting out" because they feel the "cause" justifies the "effect". And don't get me wrong... I don't think that Serena should have just let it go. Experiencing intense emotion in a situation like that is natural. However, there are effective and appropriate ways to communicate anger. Serena finally released a statement that comes close to taking responsibility for her actions. I still think she owes her fans and the lineswoman a true apology. I think it's important for her to clarify that passion for a game should not be confused with license to "go off on someone." It's clear that more work needs to be done around teaching individuals how to communicate and express extreme emotions.

30 Second Pitch!

2009-08-19T22:14:00.000-04:00

CNN is doing a segment on their website, www. CNN.org called the 30-second pitch. It finds people who are out of work and puts them on film pitching themselves to perspective employers. The hostess is sunny and enthusiastically supportive of the courage the out of work individuals display. However, as I watched, I was struck by how much more effective these pitches would be if CNN had given each person a little coaching about the way they presented themselves.

I heard people dropping their energy and volume at the ends of sentences which made them sound like they were already totally defeated. I saw people whose grooming left a lot to be desired. People whose eye-contact wasn't connecting, even though they were talking to an impartial camera. But most of all... the pitches themselves, for the large part, sounded like pleading. A one note chorus of "hire me, please cause I'm out of work and I need a job"

When I coach interview skills, I like to have people express themselves more like... "Hire me because I can really help your bottom line" Let's face it, most people, employers especially, what to know "What's in it for Them" What do I get out of hiring you. I found many of the stories about the out of work 30-second pitchers on CNN.org compelling and I really hope this exposure helps them find work. I just wish that CNN would have maximized their effectiveness by giving them a few tips before putting them on camera.

Break Through!!

2009-08-14T18:30:00.000-04:00

I'm teaching a continuing education class on business presentations right now at a local college. I have some really dedicated and wonderful students. The other night, two of my students had mini breakthroughs - nothing thrills me more! It made me wonder what creates a breakthrough. I asked one of my students and he said something like, after repeatedly getting up in front of the room doing the exercises I provided and struggling over and over with the same issues he just thought 'I can do this differently'!
I'm not getting his exact words correctly and to be honest, there really was no way for him to even communicate what he had done but all of us in the room got it. There's a time when you just get tired of being insane - doing the same thing over and over expecting different results - and you think, hey, maybe I should try doing things a different way!!! That's when you have a breakthrough. I love breakthroughs. What we also realized in class is that without repeatedly putting yourself out there, or up there in his case, you won't be able to have those breakthroughs. It's when you get tired of acting insanely that the breakthroughs come!

Nonviolent Communication

2009-08-09T16:51:00.000-04:00

Why is it sometimes so hard to understand why people say or do what they do?

I've been reading about and studying Nonviolent Communication (NVC) www.CNVC.org for a few years. I'm taking a course right at now. It's a wonderful way to approach communication but it's not easy by any means. NVC teaches that all humans have basic universal needs (Connection, honesty, peace, play, physical well-being, meaning & autonomy) and all the actions we take are based on trying to get those needs met. Our feelings are the result of whether these needs are met or unmet.

Of course the interesting part is that even though we all share the same needs, we often use different strategies & take different actions to get those needs met. I believe that's one reason why it's so difficult to understand each other. A simple example: To get the basic need of nourishment met, some of us may choose to munch on a delicious fruit or salad and then experience feelings of satisfaction and happiness. We've met our need for food (physical well-being) But someone else with the same need for food might chow down on a jelly donut and fries. and they too may feel really happy and satisfied afterwards. Same need, different strategy for filling it. The donut eater may also have had a need for fun or spontaneity. And the fruit eater may have been filling a need for integrity. The difficult part comes in when the fruit eater meets the donut eater and feels intense judgement about the strategy he/she employed to get their needs met.

Nonviolent communication teaches us ways to communicate with each other as well as with ourselves so that we feel a connection even though we may not agree with the strategy employed. Do any of you have experience with NVC? If not check it out. www.cnvc.org

Speak Up but Don't Up Speak!

2009-08-07T17:05:00.000-04:00

You know what upspeak is, right? It's that maddening speech pattern that has reached epidemic proportions - the habit of ending every sentence as though it were a question? I'm not sure where or when it started? It may have had its roots in Valley Girl speak? but it's now safe to say that upspeaking has left the Valley and spread far and wide? Even my clients who have learned English as a second language have fallen victim to it?

Upspeaking is problematic for two reasons; mainly because it makes the speaker sound as though he/she is not sure about the validity of what it is they just said. It makes them sound as though they are asking the listener for permission to make the statement they just made. For professionals it's even more problematic because it makes the speaker sound very unsure of themselves which does not instill confidence in the listener. If you are not sure of what you're telling me, how can I be sure of you. So remember, Speak up but don't Up speak!

Let me know your thoughts and issues with upspeaking.